4/20/10
We are continually wanting and not wanting experiences. An example of not wanting an experience was my first night in San Diego. The first day in San Diego didn’t feel enjoyable. I was sad and tired and had no idea what the heck I was doing there. I drove in my car feeling angry and thirsty for answers of why I was traveling anyway. I ended up parking somewhere and sleeping. The stubborn side of me didn’t even get out of the car to pee. I just stayed in the car addicted to moping/suffering- just like so many of us who refuse to move or want to change we hold onto “but that one experience felt so good I want it BACK”. Well life is ever changing and nothing lasts forever.
I am aware of all the “pleasurable” experiences whether it’s meeting new friends, trying new foods, gasping at the beautiful surroundings, “falling in love” etc when there is a high there is a low. What goes up must come down and when I realized to embrace this, meditate, and be grateful during the process of both it becomes a dance, a fluid movement.
Even yesterday I drove about 13 hours and I was sad for yet another change. I was going with my heart and wanted to just be out of southern California. So when I got to Santa Barbara I made a left hand turn on a one way street and I quickly pulled into gas station knowing I made a mistake ( a wrong turn)- an older woman hit my car with her hand telling me that people like me get tickets and how dangerous I am... At that point I just wanted to burst into tears. Like a guilty child I told her it was an accident. I felt so vulnerable and I just sat there and felt it. Then I realized I had been suppressing sadness all day and it took that moment to be aware of it.
Physical things happen in relation to what’s happening with us non-physically and no matter what there’s no such thing as a “WRONG” turn. When I became aware of that emotion the more I wanted to feel better and I began to change my focus. Yes pleasurable experiences are VALID, but no I don’t have to repeat them every instant and I wouldn’t want to because that is stagnant.
An example of what I do want in life is when I camped alone in Joshua Tree National Park. I went there very early in the morning and parked in the first spot that called my name. I threw down sleeping bag and slept under the hot sun after being exhausted (because I slept almost sitting straight up in car the night before). I had dreams that were so real and out of this world intense it felt like the land had soaked my cells in a hallucinogen. And so I went for a day hike and came back that night. Starting to feel that little rumble of fear because the sun was setting I was just thanking myself for being there. I started gathering wood for a fire. And I began and kept a fire going (for the first time). I eased into the darkness by staring into the flame and just feeling her warmth. By the time the fire went out I was drunk on the relaxation of nature and realized that the fear was the ego trying to hold onto “doing” instead of relaxing. Because one night in nature is just as good as any massage, meditation, or hot bath.
By easing my way into this experience I received deep answers from the stars on what I want in life. The stars told me the places I need to travel to and why I am doing it. If I were to focus on the dark “scary” bushes or every single movement around me (which I did a little of) I would have been stuck in fear and probably wouldn’t have been able to receive the light of the stars. I focused on the light- the thing that felt good in the situation until the whole experience left me in utter amazement.
So why did I name this Pooping is a Spiritual experience? Because I realized how powerful it is to stay present when you poop to let go. I want to open to all the readers and connect with you as if you were sitting across the table from me. And just mentioning all the things I “did” is not going to do it.
I went to Coachella a 100,000 people music festival for 4 days. And I learned about people quickly as it was the most up front and personal experience with so many people- I have ever had. I had gone through yearning, connecting, disconnecting, and all other emotions that happen between people. Thom Yorke played last and one of his songs he said to get up and “get crazy”. There were intense drums and pounding music and I started punching the air. I was feeling it all ( back pain, tired, happy, sad, ugly, beautiful, crazy etc.) I became that “crazy” person people murmur about. My ego started saying that people were thinking I was dumb etc. I was doing what my body wanted shouting and expressing through all my cells in my body. When the song was over I roared like a fearless lion. And a British woman smiled at me and told me that I danced "beautifully". Shocked I stood there re-wiring my brain because my ego just told me that I looked like that craziest person in the world.
So I thought about it and In one blog, one year, one anything does not define me. I could write a bunch of cuss words or write a beautiful line of poetry it DOES NOT MATTER. Because the truth lies in now, now, now. And I am changing as you are and I want to play and be friends so what are we waiting for?
