Thursday, September 16, 2010

Just when you want to stop walking, RUN!


   As part of our Sunday tradition while in Hawaii, Tom and I were on our way to Krishna Pizza.  This is a pizza night at the Hare Krishna farm where they give away pizza after chanting and reading a lesson out of the Bhagavad Gita.  We had hitch hiked in the back of a truck like we do every Sunday night.  I feel free when I ride in the back of a truck because the air is perfect, the road feels like a roller coaster by the way it goes up and down alongside the ocean, and the ride is pure joy and exhilaration for me.  

     We had a nice conversation about love with the boy that was sitting in the back.  We arrived at the road that leads to the farm and we got out and started walking up the road.  We had been walking a while when I said almost unconsciously “Can we take a break? I want to sit down”.  Tom said “Let’s run!” And without thinking I said “OK!” and we started to run.  I felt proud of myself that I made the decision to run versus sit.  It felt good to push through the resistance and come out feeling better, more energy than before, and know my body was stronger from it.  

   It seems when I want to give up on something- I could just push myself toward what I want and I would have the life of my dreams.  “What you resists, persists”.  Resistance usually comes up when something we want is available to us, but our ego gets in the way of it.  It is our ego making sure we really want it.  We have the choice to close our hearts and say “oh never mind I don’t deserve that” Or “I will never get that”.  At this point when these thoughts come up the best thing I can do for me is to take care of myself.  I need some instant self love like running, writing, giving to others, talking to others (sometimes), even kissing my hand or thinking grateful thoughts can help me shift.  I feel like the faster I can push out of the resistance the better.   

   Deep within me I know all things are possible.  I know that I can reach for love, better feeling thoughts, and passion whenever I need it.  We need to hold space for ourselves to cry, yell, or dance when we feel the need to.  It’s when we hold back because of the fear of judgments from others that we hold tensions in.  I notice that if I am going along in my day and next thing I know I may be a little irritated or feeling down I CHOOSE to stay in that emotion instead of CHOOSING to change it.  The ego says “you will look really silly if you just all of a sudden you look happy”.  Because it feels vulnerable to go from unhappy to happy in a matter of seconds even though it is possible.  There is something we get out of being unhappy otherwise we wouldn’t do it.  Maybe the habit of pouting no longer serves me so why do it?  Being conscious about what we are CHOOSING is the first step. 
      
        Tom and I were walking down the road one day when this dog was headed right towards us and  I felt more closed than open in the moment until I saw her: this beautiful big basset hound. I went from feeling disconnected to loving in an INSTANT.  The next day she showed up in our yard.  We went outside to see her and she squealed when she saw us and rolled on her back.  We followed her down the road in a full moon light.  She took us on trails and roads and she carried avocados and buried them in front of people’s houses.  She wagged her tail and seemed so upbeat.  She played with us pretending to chase us.  She loved to be rubbed, scratched, and petted.
   
       A week later I saw her and she didn't seem to react to seeing us and then I notice she is on a leash, feels warm, and her body stays limp when I pet her-She felt like a whole different dog.  The owner dragged her back into the yard.  I know basset hounds look naturally sad, but she was clearly not wanting to go back home.  She wanted her freedom and it made me feel so sad, I cried. 
             
           Why when I watch others (especially animals) do I feel so much empathy for them when I see them less free or unhappy? Yet when I control myself or choose negative thoughts I don’t think anything of it.  Most of our disconnection and unhappiness stems from unconscious beliefs about ourselves.  I know that in the past I have let negative thoughts ruin my entire day.  Our thoughts are just as strong as physical actions.  By thinking negative thoughts I am taking away my own freedom just like the owner took the freedom away from the basset hound.  I can be worrying about the future so much I am afraid to take action, fearing the past so much I can’t be present: which are two reasons why I resist the present.  I feel like one of my deepest fears is to be present and if I just fully accepted the present moment – it would be my deepest gift. Our thoughts tend to take us away from being present.  If we were fully present every breath of the day we would be living our full potential.