Sunday, April 10, 2011

I know I am following my heart, but I dont know what my heart is following!


                I am noticing there is a light tugging at my heart lately.  I feel myself being tugged gently in directions that are leading me to what it is I love.  I have been feeling a period of transition- almost an empty feeling about what it is exactly I want to create in my life.  I am slowly changing what it is I am interested in and finding new experiences to explore.  One thing I am exploring more and more is my passion to live in Hawaii.  I love the Spirit of Pele that is there, the culture, the jungle, the fruits, the freedom etc.  (I could go on forever).   I have dreams of swimming underwater in the ocean often.  I have even woken up crying because I felt so connected to some of the animals that live in the ocean. 
                The first time I went snorkeling in Hawaii I felt a whole new passion for life.  I felt humble, new, and blissful.  I know when something “clicks” for me- and this was it.  I put on the snorkel gear as best I could and literally ran into the water.  I was “oooing and ahhhing”.  I was flying above a whole other world that I had no idea about.  Tons of fish, coral, sea urchins were below me living their lives.  I could hear myself breathing in the quiet rhythmic ocean. 
                The next day we arrived at Kealakekua Bay where there are wild dolphins that swim with people.  When we arrived there was a large group of older women who looked like they ritually swam with the dolphins every morning.  I asked them if the dolphins were still out and they said “their probably out, but just keep an eye out for them”. 
                I was anxious to have this experience and I had only been in the ocean a handful of times.  We were swimming fast out into the middle of the bay.  And soon enough from a distance we saw the spinner dolphins spinning and jumping through the air and into the water again.  I was elated and excited. They were swimming towards us and we were swimming towards them.  Before I knew it there were ten dolphins right below my feet swimming together.  I have to say this was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I was singing to them with much appreciation.  I was turning around and then there was one dolphin swimming with a baby dolphin right next to her.  It was a powerful experience and I admired it.  I especially love the mother and baby because a mother was something that I looked for most of my childhood.  And now I just appreciate the “mothers” in my life and appreciate them as if they were my own. 
                So I feel a new calling to dolphins.  One of my passions for most of my life has been horses, but not the usual standard horse riding skills stuff, but actually experiential therapeutic learning for people with horses.  I was first introduced to this when I went to rehab at age 14.  Then in high school I became an intern for that same rehab and several other facilities.  This is how I learned that horses teach people.  I had dreams of horses for years before my actual experiences with them.  Horses are huge animals that are powerful enough to mirror ourselves and yet pure enough to show unconditional love.  I remember I fell in love with them because of how I could not be around them and hide my thoughts or feelings with them.  In fact, the more I was open about what I was feeling the closer my connection was with them (in their own way).
                And now I feel a calling to the underwater world.  I am excited for what I am doing next.  I have it all in my heart and I am still cultivating it and then once I am doing it I will share with everyone my experience. Some of the things I am going to learn I know nothing about- but I am excited to learn.  I feel like a first grader trying to learn how college classes.   All I know is that I got to follow the “tugs” at my heart and when I do I feel re-inspired.  I love that feeling of not knowing what is next.  Like going to my first dance class I remember not being able to keep a single beat, but being so in love with the music and excited to learn.    I’m ready to feel utterly vulnerable and in love with what it is I am doing.  I am learning a whole new way of life and preparing for a move to Hawaii that will change my life.