Post Earth Day-Dedicated to Mauna Kea

Photo Credit: Earthrelated.com

What is currently happening close to where I live and the place I call home is a proposed telescope (worth 1.4 billion) 13 stories high is attempting to be put on the world's tallest mountain (from below sea to the sky), Mauna Kea.  This telescope would be the biggest on planet earth yet.
Since the proposal- a group of dedicated Protectors have been standing against it- to protect the mountain.  Mauna Kea is a sacred temple the entire summit is a sacred place.  Anyone who has been to the mountain has experienced the magnificence of Mana (energy) that is there.
The first day the TMT (Thirty Meter Telescope) broke ground 33 Hawaiian's were arrested for standing, praying, and chanting- guarding the road to the top.  I have met some of the amazing souls leading this movement to protect the mountain- and these are some of the most connected, loving, and grounded humans I have experienced.  Life is about connection.  Meeting people who are strong with Spirit can change you.        
In sacred ceremonies and in my dreams in the past I have been given the message "You are the voice of Mother Nature." I didn't truly understand this message until I needed to, now.  Everyday there is a moment to pray for the mountain- to appreciate this sacred land and space. And to speak when and where I can.
The other day I was on the beach and a group of about 15 people sat right next to me.  I overheard them speaking of the telescope construction and they felt that "Protesters are shooting themselves in the foot".  They said that TMT was putting money into the community and helping education prosper.  They were in agreement that they supported education and money and that the telescope brings.  I did not choose to talk to these people physically, but they did inspire me to write this post- where it is a choice for people to read.  I am learning to communicate and it is for a cause bigger than myself.
My deeply sensitive self reflected on this. I felt sad that people feel this telescope is "good".  I have realized that this is a time of an awakening.  The people for the telescope may not have the connection that those protecting the mountain have.
The Mauna Kea summit is a sacred space for Hawaiian's now, throughout their lineage, and their ancestors.  These are not just words, the dirt is not JUST dirt, the rocks are not meaningless.  This land has sacred dances, stories, and prayers.  Sacred is not just a word, but a meaning felt deep in the heart.
I have come from the mainland and I did not grow up being taught to respect land or taught what sacred meant.  The closest thing I had was "church" and although I felt connected to my grandma who first took me there, beyond that I had many ups and downs at church.  I often felt disconnected at church through bullying by other kids or disconnect in the information that sometimes felt so negative and dark to me.
I do feel connected Mauna Kea.  The first time I went to the top of the mountain was during equinox for a ceremony.  We each spoke a prayer in a circle at the top at sunrise.  It was quiet, clean and pure.  And when I spoke I felt like it was a megaphone for God to listen.  Anyone can love Mauna Kea, you do not need to be a certain religion or ethnicity.
I understand that this is a time that we face between connection to technology and connection to Source.  I believe all technology has come from our own capabilities that is artificially created.  I am not against technology although I value Spirit more.  If it becomes a choice between technology or Spirit I choose Spirit.  Money, telescopes, education are tools that are helpful, but does not replace earth.
If people do not feel a connection to Mauna Kea or earth in general-it is a time by inviting them to.  Invite them in our hearts, prayers, and minds.  Connected or not, we are all here together.  I envision a world wide community connected to earth, each other, and Spirit.

Soul is moving and I am following...

   * I choose this picture because this is what I felt like when I danced in the circle after Congolese class.  It represents the vulnerability I feel. 

   So I want to share about my life again.  It takes time and energy to open up and I have this urge to share.  I am in another stage of life that feels like jumping from one trapeze to another.  I am in air reaching out for something to grasp.   I feel like there is nothing below or above me and I am in mid air- I have the choice to get scared of falling and dying or I can choose to feel thrilled and free. 

                I am here to help anyone that wants to take the leap to something new. Taking a leap may mean a new job, a new path in life, etc.  In my situation it didn’t necessarily “make sense”, in fact I had a lot of doubts and overall I thought I was making a “Miss-take”.   Now, I am in the air and I am letting go of what I thought I wanted in life- I feel so motivated, free, and determined. 

     A lot of people I have met are going through something similar to me. I know when I write a blog it is for those who are meant to read it.  There is something in the blog that speaks to them. 

   One thing that has helped me be patient while in the air is to look for miracles or Spirit in everything I do.  For example, I came to Maui Multicultural dance camp on a whim.  I saw the flyer at the health food store and the next day I flew in.  I came to Maui with no ride to camp and within minutes of landing I had 3 different options.  Also they told me my bag did not make it on the plane so I thought I had to wait 3 hours for it, but 10 minutes later I walked over and it was the last one of the conveyer belt.  And there are days that don’t seem so perfect and in those days – there are reasons, gifts, and purposes for feeling down or for things to not “work out” as expected.  

       I explore thinking about life as a dream.  I do believe we create our own realities- yet I don’t think we control them ; there is a difference.  We do not create others realities for them and we are constantly together on this earth. In this process I may have hurt other people's feelings, shocked people, or let others down, but I have to do what motivates and inspires me otherwise I am not in my full power doing something else.  My friend told me today "Change is good as long as it inspires and energizes you".  And I have more and more energy working towards my next goal. I do deeply feel that everything happens for a reason even if it hurts, feels negative, or is not fun.  I have had my moments of sadness, boredom, or isolation here and what has helped me is put on music and dance or breathe through every discomfort.  And I could probably dance and breathe the rest of my life to heal what has happened to me so the longer I can keep going the better.  I have learned that healing is an ongoing process.

    So here comes the “meat” of the story.  I was living on a farm on the Big Island for 9 months and I was in 2 year committed relationship.  I was settled and comfortable in my life.  I spent most of my days milking goats, helping grow food, or taking care of animals.  We went to town once a week just for groceries and then back home.   I thought I wanted to be a farmer the rest of my life and explore living completely sustainable etc.  And although I am still in appreciation and love living off grid and I miss growing my own food and being around animals- I am on ANOTHER path for the moment. 

  I went to this dance camp and at the end of one of the Congolese dance classes the teacher brought me into the circle of dancing and I LET LOOSE.  All of a sudden my body just went for it and I was up down, on my hands and knees and I remember saliva coming out of my mouth.  I felt so blissful right after I danced that I ran to a woman I didn’t know and hugged her.  I felt so WIDE OPEN and VULNERABLE.  Right then, I decided that vulnerability can be felt as bliss.  And after talking to people from Congo and hearing stories of people who traveled to Africa- I have decided that I am going to Africa.  I know my soul is connected to Africa, as I have appreciated Africa as long as I can remember-- whether it be drumming, dance, or people.  I love and appreciate African culture and I feel this inner African in me wanting to re-connect to my roots.  

  And now my life is pretty much going one step at a time.  I don't have any exact plans or details and I am enjoying the process.  I just have to say that I am so grateful for being able to share this with you as I feel vulnerable stating what is going on in my life.  I am open to continuous blessings of abundance, happiness, and lessons.  

Freedom from the inside- An experience told through tears, pain, and realizations.

10/2/11

          I am currently living on a farm in Hawaii.  There are dozens of chickens and ducks.  There are 9 goats total- 2 we currently milk every day...  and then there are the rabbits. 

          For the first time in my life I have experienced animals in a more RAW way.  I have experienced the birth process seeing newborns and raising them: chickens, ducks, rabbits, and goats.  I have helped raise these babies and feed them like I am their mom. 

          Well along with birth comes with death.  Death is something that has been put into my life as bad, painful, evil etc.

          So today while milking a mother goat I saw our community dog tossing what I thought was a mouse– in her jaws and shaking it around.  I went over to her to make sure it was a mouse and not a rabbit.  (The mice here carry diseases and are considered pests on this property and we actually told to kill them – I don’t kill them, but if the dog does I guess I am O.K with it although I have only seen them after they have died.) Well to my surprise I look down and not only is it a rabbit- IT IS STILL ALIVE.  At first I was angry and yelled at the dog to get away.  The newborn baby (born 2 days ago) was squirming around on the ground with a medium sized puncture on the side of his body. Even as I write this I feel sad and my eyes well up with tears- but this is not the point. 

          I held the newborn bunny in my hands and I cried hysterically for a minute.  The goat was still on the milk stand dog sitting feet away and I cried in the middle of the grass.  I thought “He didn’t deserve this” “That stupid dog was just playing around with it killing him slowly”, and my thoughts digressed into deep sadness. 

          And then I thought about hope.  I thought about God and Jesus,
Parmahansa Yogananda, Sri Amma Bhagavan, past experiences, mentors, love.  And then I decided to change. 

          I kept crying and I wrapped the newborn into a towel and had him rest on my lap while I finished milking.  And then when I finished milking I sat with him on the ground and I asked God “WHY?.” And I asked “What is the lesson?”

          The answer came to me “Let go of what I consider freedom”.  And then more information came to me to let go of the word choice freedom.  The word freedom has been manipulated and changed by so many.  “Freedom means free within yourself no matter what circumstances, experiences, people, or things are around you”.  We have been conditioned from the current stance of America that freedom is having the land you want because you want it.  Freedom is white men coming from Europe to take the brown man’s land because he wanted it.  Freedom is the ability to drive a car that guzzles oil.  Freedom is money etc. 

          Well what this new message told me is that true freedom is to embody the feeling inside you and true freedom doesn’t control anyone.  I feel that people think freedom is being able to “talk crap” about your neighbor or that freedom is being able to control others.  I hadn’t even thought about this until this moment. That means that even if the “government” is “controlling” we are not controlled if we are free inside.  Many are against the government and many are for it.  But in the end it doesn’t matter –both are trying to control the other to create an environment that THEY WANT. 

          And I realized the fuss and fight about who did what isn’t worth the effort.  It is not anyone else’s job to make you happy or make you free.  Only you can choose to feel free. 

          Even after this incredible message came to me I am still questioning it and my other side of brain has always thought “Turn the other cheek?” Well growing up it was” Kill or be killed” so which is it? And although I don’t reference movies a lot I give a lot of credit to the original Star Wars Trilogy.  In the third movie when Luke has to fight his father his lesson is to not give into anger and re-act, but instead take the hit and “turn the other cheek”.  The lesson is that the light side of the force is stronger than that of anger and aggression. 

          I felt this same battle within myself today while holding a punctured baby rabbit and looking at the face of the dog who had just violently shook him.  I decided to not yell at the dog- not just sit there and cry, but instead I needed to pray, meditate,  and breathe.  Being in that state, I imagined the Universe's light shining on this baby rabbit and asked the Universe to take care of it.  I sat there for a while breathing and feeling relaxed even though I was holding a resemblance of pure sadness. 

          Having the life I have had -I know to trust God.  God is nothing but love, compassion, kindness, and peace.  If you feel fear you are not feeling God.  If my  thoughts went to fear, I just re-adjusted each breath - only trusting God. 

          I was questioning what I should do.  There was no blood on the outside, and I couldn’t tell what had happened internally.  I thought "do I have someone kill him to make it less 'painful'?" (Just like many people do when they put their animal to sleep etc).  And I decided to just trust God.  Life and death is not my business... it is God’s.  I remembered a chapter in “Autobiography of a Yogi” where Yogananda is asked to heal someone’s loved one in a hospital.  He goes to the hospital and says his prayer and holds space for the dying person. The person ended up passing away, but Yogananda helped them in the direction they were meant to go by trusting God.  I think people have this belief that healing always means “back to life” or “back to wellness”, but healing is just being a channel for God and that person to connect.  It is that connection that determines if they revive or if they  transition. 

          So tonight I prayed, cried, and became a spotlight vessel for God and the newborn rabbit.  I would consider it healing what I did and I decided to put him with his brothers and sisters back in his fuzzy cove and allow him to either revive or transition in there.  

          The end.  

PS: All 3 images came up on google search for "Surrender to God" and all of which are completely relevant in my blog since I mention Star Wars and Yogananda.  

Meet Yoda  and Below on the right is the guru I mention  Parmahansa Yogananda. 

My raw thoughts on Mother's Day

      

  This blog is dedicated to the MOTHERS in my life, to Mother Earth, the Mother in me, and the Mother in you.  What a mother means to me is connection to Divine Feminine, the Universe, and the life between us.  Every year this day means something different to me.  I go between sad and sulking that I haven't had a mother since I was six to celebration of the mother I have become to myself or the motherly figures in my life.  This year it is all gratitude and staying present with what it is I DO have.    

                This is the first time in my life where I am feeling really connected to my food.  Right outside my window is a few chicken coops.  There are gardens, fruit trees, and goats that I milk myself.  It feels so raw to be this closely connected to the food I eat.  I am not used to this feeling at all. 

                For example we harvested tons of tangerines off of the ground.  One bucket was for us to consume and the rest was for animals or compost.  Even the ones we saved had some maggots and we had to throw them out.  With the last one’s left we made fresh tangerine juice.  Part of me was nervous that there could have been a missed maggot or something else inside them.  I hadn’t ever associated the fact that bugs are really ALL AROUND US.  And then when I drank the juice I forgot the fact that there “could” be maggots because the juice was delicious and fresh.  AND because it hasn’t been pasteurized it was HEALTHY.    

                I can’t believe I didn’t realize that bugs probably have been in the juice or food I have consumed before.  The food in stores or restaurants is touched by so many bodies and machines.  In the end I don’t mind a little bug or two when I have been the only one touching my food.  It is only my fear that gets in the way of enjoying anything in life.  I CHECK the fruits now, I CHECK the eggs, and I CHECK the veggies that come out of the garden.  It is so much more EMPOWERING to do these things myself.  It is RAW to live here. 

                The Hawaiian jungle that surrounds us constantly has a reminder to be present.  Each foot step isn’t like the Arizonan desert (which is dry rough and hot).  It now is alive with animals, bugs, tree roots, fallen fruits etc.  The cycle of life, the cycle of water, the cycle of land, and air are HAPPENING here.

                I feel like a mother because despite the things that might seem gross (maggots, tons of animal poop, mold etc), hard work (milking the goats and finding tons of greens for them etc) – I have unconditional love for it all.  Although the cat has fleas I brush her and take her in my arms.  Sometimes the goats are hard to milk because they kick and resist it, but in the end I sing to them and massage them.  To me being a mother is going to expand all the time.  Heart opening is a process that I want to be expanding till I transition.  Every year Mother's day will mean something more to me.  Thanks for witnessing my raw feelings and expansion.  Mahalo.   

I know I am following my heart, but I dont know what my heart is following!

                I am noticing there is a light tugging at my heart lately.  I feel myself being tugged gently in directions that are leading me to what it is I love.  I have been feeling a period of transition- almost an empty feeling about what it is exactly I want to create in my life.  I am slowly changing what it is I am interested in and finding new experiences to explore.  One thing I am exploring more and more is my passion to live in Hawaii.  I love the Spirit of Pele that is there, the culture, the jungle, the fruits, the freedom etc.  (I could go on forever).   I have dreams of swimming underwater in the ocean often.  I have even woken up crying because I felt so connected to some of the animals that live in the ocean. 

                The first time I went snorkeling in Hawaii I felt a whole new passion for life.  I felt humble, new, and blissful.  I know when something “clicks” for me- and this was it.  I put on the snorkel gear as best I could and literally ran into the water.  I was “oooing and ahhhing”.  I was flying above a whole other world that I had no idea about.  Tons of fish, coral, sea urchins were below me living their lives.  I could hear myself breathing in the quiet rhythmic ocean. 

                The next day we arrived at Kealakekua Bay where there are wild dolphins that swim with people.  When we arrived there was a large group of older women who looked like they ritually swam with the dolphins every morning.  I asked them if the dolphins were still out and they said “their probably out, but just keep an eye out for them”. 

                I was anxious to have this experience and I had only been in the ocean a handful of times.  We were swimming fast out into the middle of the bay.  And soon enough from a distance we saw the spinner dolphins spinning and jumping through the air and into the water again.  I was elated and excited. They were swimming towards us and we were swimming towards them.  Before I knew it there were ten dolphins right below my feet swimming together.  I have to say this was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I was singing to them with much appreciation.  I was turning around and then there was one dolphin swimming with a baby dolphin right next to her.  It was a powerful experience and I admired it.  I especially love the mother and baby because a mother was something that I looked for most of my childhood.  And now I just appreciate the “mothers” in my life and appreciate them as if they were my own. 

                So I feel a new calling to dolphins.  One of my passions for most of my life has been horses, but not the usual standard horse riding skills stuff, but actually experiential therapeutic learning for people with horses.  I was first introduced to this when I went to rehab at age 14.  Then in high school I became an intern for that same rehab and several other facilities.  This is how I learned that horses teach people.  I had dreams of horses for years before my actual experiences with them.  Horses are huge animals that are powerful enough to mirror ourselves and yet pure enough to show unconditional love.  I remember I fell in love with them because of how I could not be around them and hide my thoughts or feelings with them.  In fact, the more I was open about what I was feeling the closer my connection was with them (in their own way).

                And now I feel a calling to the underwater world.  I am excited for what I am doing next.  I have it all in my heart and I am still cultivating it and then once I am doing it I will share with everyone my experience. Some of the things I am going to learn I know nothing about- but I am excited to learn.  I feel like a first grader trying to learn how college classes.   All I know is that I got to follow the “tugs” at my heart and when I do I feel re-inspired.  I love that feeling of not knowing what is next.  Like going to my first dance class I remember not being able to keep a single beat, but being so in love with the music and excited to learn.    I’m ready to feel utterly vulnerable and in love with what it is I am doing.  I am learning a whole new way of life and preparing for a move to Hawaii that will change my life.