Pooping Is A Spiritual Experience

4/20/10

We are continually wanting and not wanting experiences. An example of not wanting an experience was my first night in San Diego. The first day in San Diego didn’t feel enjoyable. I was sad and tired and had no idea what the heck I was doing there. I drove in my car feeling angry and thirsty for answers of why I was traveling anyway. I ended up parking somewhere and sleeping. The stubborn side of me didn’t even get out of the car to pee. I just stayed in the car addicted to moping/suffering- just like so many of us who refuse to move or want to change we hold onto “but that one experience felt so good I want it BACK”. Well life is ever changing and nothing lasts forever.


I am aware of all the “pleasurable” experiences whether it’s meeting new friends, trying new foods, gasping at the beautiful surroundings, “falling in love” etc when there is a high there is a low. What goes up must come down and when I realized to embrace this, meditate, and be grateful during the process of both it becomes a dance, a fluid movement.


Even yesterday I drove about 13 hours and I was sad for yet another change. I was going with my heart and wanted to just be out of southern California. So when I got to Santa Barbara I made a left hand turn on a one way street and I quickly pulled into gas station knowing I made a mistake ( a wrong turn)- an older woman hit my car with her hand telling me that people like me get tickets and how dangerous I am... At that point I just wanted to burst into tears. Like a guilty child I told her it was an accident. I felt so vulnerable and I just sat there and felt it. Then I realized I had been suppressing sadness all day and it took that moment to be aware of it.
Physical things happen in relation to what’s happening with us non-physically and no matter what there’s no such thing as a “WRONG” turn. When I became aware of that emotion the more I wanted to feel better and I began to change my focus. Yes pleasurable experiences are VALID, but no I don’t have to repeat them every instant and I wouldn’t want to because that is stagnant.


An example of what I do want in life is when I camped alone in Joshua Tree National Park. I went there very early in the morning and parked in the first spot that called my name. I threw down sleeping bag and slept under the hot sun after being exhausted (because I slept almost sitting straight up in car the night before). I had dreams that were so real and out of this world intense it felt like the land had soaked my cells in a hallucinogen. And so I went for a day hike and came back that night. Starting to feel that little rumble of fear because the sun was setting I was just thanking myself for being there. I started gathering wood for a fire. And I began and kept a fire going (for the first time). I eased into the darkness by staring into the flame and just feeling her warmth. By the time the fire went out I was drunk on the relaxation of nature and realized that the fear was the ego trying to hold onto “doing” instead of relaxing. Because one night in nature is just as good as any massage, meditation, or hot bath.
By easing my way into this experience I received deep answers from the stars on what I want in life. The stars told me the places I need to travel to and why I am doing it. If I were to focus on the dark “scary” bushes or every single movement around me (which I did a little of) I would have been stuck in fear and probably wouldn’t have been able to receive the light of the stars. I focused on the light- the thing that felt good in the situation until the whole experience left me in utter amazement.
So why did I name this Pooping is a Spiritual experience? Because I realized how powerful it is to stay present when you poop to let go. I want to open to all the readers and connect with you as if you were sitting across the table from me. And just mentioning all the things I “did” is not going to do it.
I went to Coachella a 100,000 people music festival for 4 days. And I learned about people quickly as it was the most up front and personal experience with so many people- I have ever had. I had gone through yearning, connecting, disconnecting, and all other emotions that happen between people. Thom Yorke played last and one of his songs he said to get up and “get crazy”. There were intense drums and pounding music and I started punching the air. I was feeling it all ( back pain, tired, happy, sad, ugly, beautiful, crazy etc.) I became that “crazy” person people murmur about. My ego started saying that people were thinking I was dumb etc. I was doing what my body wanted shouting and expressing through all my cells in my body. When the song was over I roared like a fearless lion. And a British woman smiled at me and told me that I danced "beautifully". Shocked I stood there re-wiring my brain because my ego just told me that I looked like that craziest person in the world.
So I thought about it and In one blog, one year, one anything does not define me. I could write a bunch of cuss words or write a beautiful line of poetry it DOES NOT MATTER. Because the truth lies in now, now, now. And I am changing as you are and I want to play and be friends so what are we waiting for?

And this is travelling...

3/19/10
My mom died when I was six- and although I never understood why such an absence was so negative I did find myself missing a piece of my heart. When I was 8 I was told I had a heart murmur. And I felt that the missing piece in my heart must have been my mom because it seemed to be so obvious and scarring at least to the world around me. People would tell me “Everyone NEEDS a mom” And “You poor thing…” People seemed fearful of the world for me… I am 20 years old now and the happiest I have ever been. I realize now: that she’s not gone, she is everywhere I go. Because of her death I see her embodying people in my life, I feel her presence in my heart, she is my God, I pray to her, I sing to her, I listen to her images she sends me, She is manifested physically around me all the time. She has taught me that we don’t have to hold onto physical beings so much that death isn’t “bad” and that I am not alone- ever.
So recently as I await the perfect time to begin my travels outside of my home town (Tucson, Az) I have been “travelling” in town. I love Tucson, but everywhere I go is also like running my finger across old scars on my skin. I am not running away- I am being re-born. This time around I know I create my own reality and that I have the empowerment to choose how I view the world. For example, today while driving the person in front of me was blowing their horn and getting upset we were slowing down fast and then I saw the car in front of us pulled over as much as possible waiting for a little girl to cross the street. This is a chain reaction started by the little girl going somewhere. Is there a real reason to spend so much negative energy in these moments mad for others crossing our paths? In the end we are all going somewhere and little girls will still be crossing the street. In fact can’t you see how we are all like that little girl?
So today I went to a Vietnamese restaurant in the center of Tucson. I have been to Vietnamese before, but this time I went alone. When I am alone I realize that life around me is my reflection. I overheard a conversation of a girl at 14 -and it was me 6 years ago. She was telling an older woman how her parents don’t understand her and she smokes pot to rebel and the mentor said she did the same thing and she understands. I didn’t listen much after that, but I was just reminded of how much mentors got me through so much in my life and she is changing hers in so many ways they probably don’t realize. My mentor in this moment was about to be revealed. After I ordered # 7 (my lucky number I mean really lucky!) it was some type of Pho beef soup the Vietnamese woman said she was going to show me how to eat it properly. She sat down in front of me. She was teaching me how to prepare and eat Vietnamese food and I felt like a little girl learning how to eat on my own for the first time- something I did not experience the first time around. I love the adventure of learning, re-birthing, and growing knowing my mom is right beside me! And this is travelling.