My raw thoughts on Mother's Day

      

  This blog is dedicated to the MOTHERS in my life, to Mother Earth, the Mother in me, and the Mother in you.  What a mother means to me is connection to Divine Feminine, the Universe, and the life between us.  Every year this day means something different to me.  I go between sad and sulking that I haven't had a mother since I was six to celebration of the mother I have become to myself or the motherly figures in my life.  This year it is all gratitude and staying present with what it is I DO have.    

                This is the first time in my life where I am feeling really connected to my food.  Right outside my window is a few chicken coops.  There are gardens, fruit trees, and goats that I milk myself.  It feels so raw to be this closely connected to the food I eat.  I am not used to this feeling at all. 

                For example we harvested tons of tangerines off of the ground.  One bucket was for us to consume and the rest was for animals or compost.  Even the ones we saved had some maggots and we had to throw them out.  With the last one’s left we made fresh tangerine juice.  Part of me was nervous that there could have been a missed maggot or something else inside them.  I hadn’t ever associated the fact that bugs are really ALL AROUND US.  And then when I drank the juice I forgot the fact that there “could” be maggots because the juice was delicious and fresh.  AND because it hasn’t been pasteurized it was HEALTHY.    

                I can’t believe I didn’t realize that bugs probably have been in the juice or food I have consumed before.  The food in stores or restaurants is touched by so many bodies and machines.  In the end I don’t mind a little bug or two when I have been the only one touching my food.  It is only my fear that gets in the way of enjoying anything in life.  I CHECK the fruits now, I CHECK the eggs, and I CHECK the veggies that come out of the garden.  It is so much more EMPOWERING to do these things myself.  It is RAW to live here. 

                The Hawaiian jungle that surrounds us constantly has a reminder to be present.  Each foot step isn’t like the Arizonan desert (which is dry rough and hot).  It now is alive with animals, bugs, tree roots, fallen fruits etc.  The cycle of life, the cycle of water, the cycle of land, and air are HAPPENING here.

                I feel like a mother because despite the things that might seem gross (maggots, tons of animal poop, mold etc), hard work (milking the goats and finding tons of greens for them etc) – I have unconditional love for it all.  Although the cat has fleas I brush her and take her in my arms.  Sometimes the goats are hard to milk because they kick and resist it, but in the end I sing to them and massage them.  To me being a mother is going to expand all the time.  Heart opening is a process that I want to be expanding till I transition.  Every year Mother's day will mean something more to me.  Thanks for witnessing my raw feelings and expansion.  Mahalo.   

I know I am following my heart, but I dont know what my heart is following!

                I am noticing there is a light tugging at my heart lately.  I feel myself being tugged gently in directions that are leading me to what it is I love.  I have been feeling a period of transition- almost an empty feeling about what it is exactly I want to create in my life.  I am slowly changing what it is I am interested in and finding new experiences to explore.  One thing I am exploring more and more is my passion to live in Hawaii.  I love the Spirit of Pele that is there, the culture, the jungle, the fruits, the freedom etc.  (I could go on forever).   I have dreams of swimming underwater in the ocean often.  I have even woken up crying because I felt so connected to some of the animals that live in the ocean. 

                The first time I went snorkeling in Hawaii I felt a whole new passion for life.  I felt humble, new, and blissful.  I know when something “clicks” for me- and this was it.  I put on the snorkel gear as best I could and literally ran into the water.  I was “oooing and ahhhing”.  I was flying above a whole other world that I had no idea about.  Tons of fish, coral, sea urchins were below me living their lives.  I could hear myself breathing in the quiet rhythmic ocean. 

                The next day we arrived at Kealakekua Bay where there are wild dolphins that swim with people.  When we arrived there was a large group of older women who looked like they ritually swam with the dolphins every morning.  I asked them if the dolphins were still out and they said “their probably out, but just keep an eye out for them”. 

                I was anxious to have this experience and I had only been in the ocean a handful of times.  We were swimming fast out into the middle of the bay.  And soon enough from a distance we saw the spinner dolphins spinning and jumping through the air and into the water again.  I was elated and excited. They were swimming towards us and we were swimming towards them.  Before I knew it there were ten dolphins right below my feet swimming together.  I have to say this was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I was singing to them with much appreciation.  I was turning around and then there was one dolphin swimming with a baby dolphin right next to her.  It was a powerful experience and I admired it.  I especially love the mother and baby because a mother was something that I looked for most of my childhood.  And now I just appreciate the “mothers” in my life and appreciate them as if they were my own. 

                So I feel a new calling to dolphins.  One of my passions for most of my life has been horses, but not the usual standard horse riding skills stuff, but actually experiential therapeutic learning for people with horses.  I was first introduced to this when I went to rehab at age 14.  Then in high school I became an intern for that same rehab and several other facilities.  This is how I learned that horses teach people.  I had dreams of horses for years before my actual experiences with them.  Horses are huge animals that are powerful enough to mirror ourselves and yet pure enough to show unconditional love.  I remember I fell in love with them because of how I could not be around them and hide my thoughts or feelings with them.  In fact, the more I was open about what I was feeling the closer my connection was with them (in their own way).

                And now I feel a calling to the underwater world.  I am excited for what I am doing next.  I have it all in my heart and I am still cultivating it and then once I am doing it I will share with everyone my experience. Some of the things I am going to learn I know nothing about- but I am excited to learn.  I feel like a first grader trying to learn how college classes.   All I know is that I got to follow the “tugs” at my heart and when I do I feel re-inspired.  I love that feeling of not knowing what is next.  Like going to my first dance class I remember not being able to keep a single beat, but being so in love with the music and excited to learn.    I’m ready to feel utterly vulnerable and in love with what it is I am doing.  I am learning a whole new way of life and preparing for a move to Hawaii that will change my life.

The BARE Essentials

I remember always wanting my shoes off as a child.  I loved running around ANYWHERE without shoes and it didn’t matter where.  And when I wasn’t supervised by one of the adults who watched me I would take my shoes off. So now I have decided to take my shoes off whenever I FEEL like it.  It is one way I am maintaining my connection to Source while in the city.  I have walked barefoot inside stores, cafes, libraries, even parking lots and sidewalks.  I know it might not seem “clean” or even legal (?), but I am trying it out.  I really enjoy feeling everything from the hot asphalt ground to the cold tile in stores.  This is an experiment to see if I really feel any different from not wearing shoes all the time and I like the FREEDOM more than anything. 

Sure shoes serve their purpose, but more times than not I find myself slipping them off anyways.  Being present in our lives is hard enough with all our life’s distractions- partly because we are disconnected from our Source.  The way I can stay present is feeling everything from the cold hard ground on the pads of my feet to the warm breathe going in my nose. 

I do not worry about stepping on anything deemed as “dangerous”.  I believe that love is greater than fear in every moment.  It is a choice to choose love over fear. And if I do come across a rock or something hard  I believe we are meant to work out the trapped toxins and reflexology points in our feet anyways.  A few rocks never hurt anybody…that badly;) 

I met an older man once telling me of how he is now scared to go into the wilderness because he fears poison ivy rashes.  He said he felt sad about this because he used to go in the same woods years ago. I'm not advocating the use of LSD, but he said back in the 60’s when his friends and him took LSD he would go into the woods and explore for days.  He said that the incredible thing was that they would go in the wilderness and not get one scratch, bug bite, or any poison ivy rashes.  And now when he tries to go he gets poison ivy rashes.  I believe when we fear something we attract it.  In spiritual books I have read that you don’t need LSD to become aware of these high states of consciousness.  Simply meditating, conscious breathing, and practicing being present can help raise your awareness.  I believe that when in a present state there is a lack of fear that doesn’t attract things such as poison ivy. 

I walked on a hike in the desert barefoot recently.  That is a true test of presence.  Each foot step is important and precise yet I want to walk a moderate speed that will actually take me somewhere.  With a little practice and a couple times of stubbing my toes I was even able to run on the dirt which felt really good.  I had joyous memories flood my memory of being a child and running on sand.  There is a certain type of connection when you can really feel every part of your foot touching the ground.  To me being barefoot is a blessing and I really do adore the FEELING.  

Even if no one else enjoys walking barefoot I hope I at least inspire you to follow the inner child in you.  May you feel and allow your inner child to play! Namaste!

But wait I have to pee! -A story on determination

BTW- The photo was taken by a cactus :)

I am not in college or any writing classes right now, but I thought I would try an experiment of writing about a hike- A detailed writing on just an experience.  I wish to bring the readers here with me as If I was hiking with them.  I don’t really know what my intention is other than connecting to others, opening my heart and share an experience nor good nor bad.  I feel like the more we open up to each other the more likely we will be a stronger community, a bigger force of compassion, understanding, caring, and forgiveness we have for each other as a consciousness(as a whole).  Sometimes I think I need to proof we are all connected but I thought about how someone can describe an experience and you can FEEL it as if you were there.

                  Another experience of proof that we are connected was at funeral I went to on Sunday and although I never knew the man who died- I could FEEL everyone’s love for him and grief of a sudden loss.  No one was touching me forcing me to feel these deep feelings and I even closed my eyes in the middle of one man’s speech about his best friend and I could feel this deep wrenching in my chest which felt like love and pain at the same time If I wasn’t connected to this man at all how would I be able to relate so easily?

Sometimes we don’t feel like we are all connected because there isn’t enough PHYSICAL PROOF.   I know we are all connected because the blind still love, the deaf still love, and we FEEL each other all the time without touching each other.  We can even watch movies filmed ten years ago in a location thousands of miles away and we still feel the sadness, fear, or humor of the characters in a movie. 

                So here I am on some trail I hiked once before, in the middle of the desert with my journal.  As I get on the trail I realize others carry backpacks, hiking sticks, sunscreen, and maybe even something as thoughtful as WATER J.  Not me though noooo I just bring my journal.  I make jokes to myself about it because I feel silly.  Back in the day when I was a lot younger I was so WORRIED about what others thought of me if I had to sharpen my pencil in class I wouldn’t even get up and do it.  And now I feel radical that I plan on going on a couple hour hike and all I bring is a journal.

  So I start walking on this trail and I already have thoughts of turning back.  I realize I had to pee and I decide that I will use having to pee as a goal.  I mean I love to exercise, but resistance to moving my body sometimes can be a pain in the you know what J I have excuses like “But wait I can’t go hiking I have to pee” and there is no restroom here so I have to drive back to the city.  So I changed my thought into” I will pee when I get high enough on the trail that there aren’t as many people around to see” I will use it as a tool to move my body for ten minutes.  After ten minutes I could hike the rest of the day.  The first ten minutes is getting rid of the resistance and the rest is easy.  

So I made a goal out of having to pee.    I decided I would hold my pee for a little while and as a reward of starting the hike.  I thought about other dire times in life where you might have to pee, but you would have to hold it in order to accomplish something.  Like what if I was a bride in a wedding? In the middle of the wedding during the vows what if I had to pee? I would have to hold it.  Or what about giving birth? I thought about that, but then I guessed that it would probably come out without control.   So I start running on this trail because the further I go then I would be able to pee (or so this was my thinking).  So then I run and I get stuck behind this couple.  I am running behind this woman and she steps over the side to let me pass.  Then this is when things got a little funny.  I am stuck behind her husband.  He sees my shadow behind him and assumes I am his wife no big deal… right? Well then he starts telling me how good this hike feels.   

And all I am thinking please don’t tell me anything that is a (TMI) moment.  He was starting to bring up memories and I kind of spaced out and I just blurted out shyly “Um…excuse me.”  And he turned and let me pass.  He was starting to go into details of their relationship and who knows what kind of details he was about to give. 

  I definitely ran more as I was glad to get back to personal space and not being assumed as someone’s 50 year old wifeJ.( I do appreciate older couples I just don’t like feeling assumed as one)  Then I pass two women who talked about “Tuck-Son” (their way of saying Tucson.) Must be newbie’s I thought as I ran past.  They were discussing how they had to get used to the beauty of this place.  “It is a different type of beauty” one said.  “Something you have to get used to”.  

So I kept on jogging now trying to hold my pee for a bit longer and then I get stuck running behind a couple who has a kid leading in the front.  The husband definitely wore a heavy amount of strong cologne.  And my nose immediately got stuffy and I thought how much I prefer regular body odor than this chemical spray.  But don’t tell my boyfriend because I do love a clean manJ, but over cheap cologne I would pick Body odor any day.  I kept turning my head, but the lingering smell of cologne hangs onto the air for dear life filling up my nose.  Then I realize I am being too sensitive and I just take small breaths which was hard to do when feeling out of breathe in the first place. 

So their 7 year old son starts talking.  The mom and dad became quiet knowing I’m walking behind them.  And their son starts asking “Who cuts the cheese and who cuts the cheese balls?”  “Mom do you cut the cheese balls?”

Now I’m already trying to hold my breath and now I was trying to hold in laughter so I kind of just busted out laughing.  I really didn’t want to embarrass them, but I thought it was so cute how when we feel comfortable with someone we just ask them our random thoughts on our mind. 

I start laughing and I try not to embarrass them I thought the situation was funny especially because the parents were kind of embarrassed and didn’t answer their son.  So I finally got to pass them.  I ran for a bit more and found a hill I thought I could climb up on and hide in order to pee.  So I get up there and guess what? MORE PEOPLE higher than me.  And I just decide to have a moment of “throwing up my hands in the air and say ‘screw it’” as one of my best friends Brian would say.  So I popped a squat and finally went pee.  Afterward I started stretching on a slanted rock and writing my experience down.  After journaling this experience I realize my left big toe feels damp because I peed on my own Big toe!  Which normally wouldn’t be so bad, but I had my Vibram toe shoes on which feel like soggy socks when their wet.  After all I do know people who believe that Urine is a good cleanser.  And perhaps my big toe needed to be cleansed here in the middle of the desert. 

Well, I made the goal of hiking/running for 3 hours.  And it was made possible by my determination and most of all my pee.  It is not recommended to hold your pee- it worked for me once but out of urgency I went on myself.  Most of all, pushing past resistance and focusing on good/funny things in the moment helped me climb the trails.  And may we all “climb the trails” of our life doing the same thing.   

Love,

Amy

 

Healing sores - Opens doors...

12/2/10

            Hello journal and WORLD!

  I haven’t written in a long time because I have been feeling an extra sense of vulnerability this last 7 months.  Part of it has been traveling (ungrounded) and part of it is my beautiful conscious loving romantic partnership.  The last 7 months have been the most adventurous, daring, fun, and intense.  My partnership has opened wounds, healed wounds, and most of all expands who I am.   To me, this year I have been more vulnerable and exposed than ever. 

Today I had an experience you might call: “Meant to be”.  I had this card for a “healer” two years ago given by a friend.  This healer does recommendations only.  I had a strong feeling about him so I kept the card.  So I called two days ago to see if there was availability within this week because I am only here for a week.  Christy (also a healer) answered and said that it was very evident that I was meant to come because there was just a cancellation before I called otherwise they would have been booked for months. 

So I sit down he explained that he looks at Auras (a field of subtle, luminous radiation surrounding a person).  He also looks at meridians and chakras.  All in all -he has a gift what the Native American’s call “half sight” where he can see people’s energy field.  I sat down nervous to be exposed to someone who can see such a deep part of me.  They start the session by reading your aura and telling you what he sees.  He didn’t ask me anything.  He didn’t know ANYTHING about me and he was able to depict what I have been seeking for months…

I have been experiencing a lot of anger and mood changes.  Part of me knew it was from my past, but I didn’t know what to do with it.  I also know that going to the chiropractor helps me feel good again.  But this man (Jeff is his name) said that he saw my root chakra as a ball with one flat side.  He said this may result in “Mood shifts, anger, things feeling good then all of a sudden sadness or anger”.  He also listed physical symptoms all of which I have been experiencing.  I felt so honored to finally see the ROOT ISSUE of my recent experiences.  It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time. 

 In the last few months passerby’s mention to me that I should be on “Psych” meds for bipolar.  Others have called me “broken”, insecure, etc.( not that meds are bad, but i believe in the impossible - that i have the power to heal myself :D)  I know I am much more than that.  I know that anything is possible and I do not want my emotions to run my life. 

He said root chakra can be caused by physical and/or sexual abuse (both of which I have a history of).   So then he went to work on me clearing me with an eagle feather.  To some of you this may sound phony or not true, but this is MY experience.  As I sat on the stool they used crystals and feathers to reconnect broken meridians and fix chakras.  When he told me I may feel nauseous I would feel it and then it would pass.  He said I may start my cycle today and I did.  It was just a beautiful experience.  It has been something I have been praying for a long time.   When I drove away from there I could tell I have shifted.  When driving, I didn’t care that the car behind me wanted to go faster, I didn’t feel stressed about anything on my mind, and all over I feel happier and calmer.   

Also another healing experience was he mentioned my 3^rd eye.  (The eye that helps you see details of life such as colors, auras, and spirits.)  He said that my 3^rd eye was pretty developed for someone my age.  Just a week ago I was somewhere supposedly “therapeutic” and they asked me 50 questions one including “do you see things that aren’t there?”   Because most people deem “seeing things” as a problem and not a gift.  For once I felt accepted and safe to say that yes I do see things.  It is vulnerable to talk about and a gift that I love about myself, but don’t share with others much because of the stigma around “seeing things”. 

Anyways I feel like letting the creative expression of me SHOW UP through writing which is my favorite option In life to do.  In the last 9 months I have been travelling non-stop.  I have been up California Coast (twice), Oregon (twice), Hawaii for 2 months, and Northern California for several months.  I also travelled from Portland, OR to Springhill, FL.  The United States is beautiful.  There is a lot of change within 100 miles.  One of the things in life I have been embracing as therapy has been driving.  I know it is sometimes people’s least favorite things to do, but for me it is my music, my hands on the steering wheel, and my overflowing thoughts.  I love feeling in control of my life (as we all do).  But it is not about controlling the car to me- it is about using the car as my best friend.  Seeing things as our friends are BEST friends make life so much easier.  You might say “your ‘friend’ isn’t like mine.  “Mine has old engine parts, mine runs out of batteries etc.”  And I say my car does have its issues I CHOOSE to focus on the parts of her I love.  She can go fast, she is beautiful and red, and she brakes, turns, and saves gas. 

So I don’t know how much I will be writing, but I wanted to share where I am at currently and I came to a turnaround in healing.  I look forward to opening to you all in any way that I choose to do so.  I am grateful that I got insight, healing, and Universal love this morning.  I am so grateful for you the readers and I hope that I inspire you or help you open your heart as well…

ONE HUGE LOVE

Amy

Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come, and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Just when you want to stop walking, RUN!

   As part of our Sunday tradition while in Hawaii, Tom and I were on our way to Krishna Pizza.  This is a pizza night at the Hare Krishna farm where they give away pizza after chanting and reading a lesson out of the Bhagavad Gita.  We had hitch hiked in the back of a truck like we do every Sunday night.  I feel free when I ride in the back of a truck because the air is perfect, the road feels like a roller coaster by the way it goes up and down alongside the ocean, and the ride is pure joy and exhilaration for me.  

     We had a nice conversation about love with the boy that was sitting in the back.  We arrived at the road that leads to the farm and we got out and started walking up the road.  We had been walking a while when I said almost unconsciously “Can we take a break? I want to sit down”.  Tom said “Let’s run!” And without thinking I said “OK!” and we started to run.  I felt proud of myself that I made the decision to run versus sit.  It felt good to push through the resistance and come out feeling better, more energy than before, and know my body was stronger from it.  

   It seems when I want to give up on something- I could just push myself toward what I want and I would have the life of my dreams.  “What you resists, persists”.  Resistance usually comes up when something we want is available to us, but our ego gets in the way of it.  It is our ego making sure we really want it.  We have the choice to close our hearts and say “oh never mind I don’t deserve that” Or “I will never get that”.  At this point when these thoughts come up the best thing I can do for me is to take care of myself.  I need some instant self love like running, writing, giving to others, talking to others (sometimes), even kissing my hand or thinking grateful thoughts can help me shift.  I feel like the faster I can push out of the resistance the better.   

   Deep within me I know all things are possible.  I know that I can reach for love, better feeling thoughts, and passion whenever I need it.  We need to hold space for ourselves to cry, yell, or dance when we feel the need to.  It’s when we hold back because of the fear of judgments from others that we hold tensions in.  I notice that if I am going along in my day and next thing I know I may be a little irritated or feeling down I CHOOSE to stay in that emotion instead of CHOOSING to change it.  The ego says “you will look really silly if you just all of a sudden you look happy”.  Because it feels vulnerable to go from unhappy to happy in a matter of seconds even though it is possible.  There is something we get out of being unhappy otherwise we wouldn’t do it.  Maybe the habit of pouting no longer serves me so why do it?  Being conscious about what we are CHOOSING is the first step. 

      

        Tom and I were walking down the road one day when this dog was headed right towards us and  I felt more closed than open in the moment until I saw her: this beautiful big basset hound. I went from feeling disconnected to loving in an INSTANT.  The next day she showed up in our yard.  We went outside to see her and she squealed when she saw us and rolled on her back.  We followed her down the road in a full moon light.  She took us on trails and roads and she carried avocados and buried them in front of people’s houses.  She wagged her tail and seemed so upbeat.  She played with us pretending to chase us.  She loved to be rubbed, scratched, and petted.

   

       A week later I saw her and she didn't seem to react to seeing us and then I notice she is on a leash, feels warm, and her body stays limp when I pet her-She felt like a whole different dog.  The owner dragged her back into the yard.  I know basset hounds look naturally sad, but she was clearly not wanting to go back home.  She wanted her freedom and it made me feel so sad, I cried. 

             

           Why when I watch others (especially animals) do I feel so much empathy for them when I see them less free or unhappy? Yet when I control myself or choose negative thoughts I don’t think anything of it.  Most of our disconnection and unhappiness stems from unconscious beliefs about ourselves.  I know that in the past I have let negative thoughts ruin my entire day.  Our thoughts are just as strong as physical actions.  By thinking negative thoughts I am taking away my own freedom just like the owner took the freedom away from the basset hound.  I can be worrying about the future so much I am afraid to take action, fearing the past so much I can’t be present: which are two reasons why I resist the present.  I feel like one of my deepest fears is to be present and if I just fully accepted the present moment – it would be my deepest gift. Our thoughts tend to take us away from being present.  If we were fully present every breath of the day we would be living our full potential.