The locust that loved me...

6/28/10

I just got done chanting the “Moola Mantra” with Deva Premal on my lap top. It is almost dark and I am inside the house in the middle of the mess I am turning to dust. I am getting rid of all my “things” I am going to live with the clothes I have and a few memories of the family I had before I was born. As I am chanting I heal the world around me and in the middle of no thoughts I see the light come to me. Then a Locust outside sings with me- now that I have stopped chanting the locust stopped its humming. I cried at the beauty. Everything is so much more connected than we think or know. When I am in this vortex of love – I cry because it IS so beautiful and I believe this is how life is.
All the worry, despair, harm, abuse etc that goes on is not who we are. There is so much trying to find who we are that if we just completely sank into the beauty of the world we would feel so much better- Life would be the amazing experience we came here to have. When I am feeling the love in chanting, I think of all those people whose eyes I look into and felt love, I feel myself flying, I feel the locust singing with me letting me know that God loves me.
The first time my friend Ava told me that my spirit guides loved me, I cried. I always wanted to know something bigger than me loved me, but I never believed it until she said it. Nowhere in all the schooling did anyone say you are deeply loved. Love meant that someone DID something for me. Love was sex, it was a pat on the back, it was written on Hallmark cards, and rarely talked about.
Now I know that everything is love. I am here to experience, that’s it. I know there is a new way of life coming forth and it is not a “system”. I know one day it will not be money that is talked about it will be LOVE. I know that we will howl with the wolves, and sing to the birds. I want to go somewhere that is focused on freedom to do anything we want, we “work” with God, we serve each other, we astral travel, we telepathically communicate, we know that we are the internet and need nothing outside of ourselves for a feeling or information: we learn from within. I want to adventure into the unknown. What would it be like without my lap top, cell phone, or money?
I have thought about money a lot. I don't actually think it is the root of the problem. It just feels like it is replacing so much of what we are. External forms of energy are easier to control- but is not who we are. We may seem defined by the money we have, the car etc, but who we are is internal energy. What if we exchanged everything from internal energy- feelings, emotions, body expression, art WE made (not machines). Money has so much power to some people and as a collaboration it is one superficial thing we have in common. Although it is an external form of energy – I believe there is other ways to spend our energy. Even if I was billionaire money would still be on my mind- I would be more responsible for all this money- taxes, bills, investments, stock etc- all in which play this game in society. I am done playing and I am looking for something new. I am not going to write a blog posts complaining of the old I am going write about experiencing something new. And this is so new and unconventional that it may take time, and it may be hard, but I am willing to do what it takes to bring forth the new. This is the Aquarian Age- a new beginning and new information flowing forth. This is just the beginning and we all know this. We are in heaven here on earth- when I just slow down and FEEL it. May we all join “virtual” hands and be together in this change. May we heal the earth and each other. There is nothing more important to me right now than unification. Thank you for reading today. Namaste.

The Little Liar...

What I love in life the most is pushing belief!  I believe everything is based on belief which I learned from the movie " What If?".   When someone complains I have always had the urge to say “Well I know there is a different way” To every contrast (what you don’t want) there is a solution.  “When there is a Will There is a Way” At one point when I was little I started to believe in miracles.  All of the situations I ever thought were “terrible” I got out of.  It is not common to see kids get out of “abusive” situations (and I was in 6 different situations. )

When I first started to realize I could have anything I wanted was when I was living with my aunt.   It was right after my mom died I went from living with my grandma into my dad’s sister’s home.  So all of a sudden family that had never known me – now had to take care of me.  Not to get into detail it was abusive and disconnected.  I remember trying to run away and had too much fear to actually cross the road.  I would hide in trees as the bigger the threats they yelled at the closer I came crawling home.   Then I still remember this dream where I was in the middle of the desert on a hilltop and all these ambulances and police came to save me, but something greater gave me hope.  The sky opened up and shined down on me and I was lifted into the air.  Even when school, home, and life in general felt like hell I held onto that dream until it came true.  I didn’t even realize it when my dream was coming true. When it was happening I resisted it and was afraid that moving out would bring greater danger than what I already lived in. 

And when I remember (hard) times as a child I remember there was always (even a little) sunshine.  Even if it was a pin prick speck of sunshine I held onto it.  Anyone (almost everyone) who has experienced contrast knows that there is hope how else would we be here today? 

So after living with my aunt I got adopted by a wealthy family.  I went from barely any clothes, barely any food, no friends, no hair, and nothing material was my own to having my own room, my own dog, my own pair of light up sneakers, my own clothes and closets, lots of candy and any food I wanted ALL the time.  I was abundant and I felt very abundant.  At school before I had no friends because I was teased on how dirty I was to having so many friends.   I had themed sleepover parties, and anytime a friend would say “I wish my mom would take me here or give me this” I would do my best to make sure they got it.  I wanted to take care of my friends.  At the time I was feeling so good that anything I didn’t have yet I would lie about.  If my friends would have any kind of complaint or anything I always wanted to have a solution to it.  I would say” Well I know someone who could help you with that”.  We all wanted to be just like the spice girls and I told them I knew the Spice Girls (I didn’t really know them) but when I told them I did I felt like I did. 

How does lying come into the picture with knowing anything is possible?  We ask the Universe what we want and we must feel it into existence,  but by feeling -others may consider it lying.  I feel rich!- but a billionaire may say that I am not rich.  !.  By traveling it is obvious there is a solution to any “problem”.  Just because it is not in front of your face right away doesn’t mean the answer doesn’t exist.  The point is no one can take away what you are feeling and what you are feeling is what CREATES. 

For example say I am here in America and my friend is tired of having parties because everyone dirties her carpet and it feels unclean and a lot of work to clean up.  From traveling in India I would know from experience that Hindu's wash their feet before entering anyone's house as a sacred ritual.  And I could tell her that experience and have that solution to be able to have a parties AND  a clean sacred carpet.

I loved traveling the last two months.  I learned and changed so much.  I originally thought I would find a home somewhere along the West Coast instead within the first week I decided I would rather keep traveling.  The people I met in hostels inspired me to travel more.  Europeans were telling me that between high school and college they are encouraged to take a year to travel and explore the world.  In hostels I met mostly foreigners and I loved being the only American.  I felt like I was traveling to everyone’s country by just conversing with them.  As an observation they told me that American’s are more distracted (compared to other countries) such as being on a cell phone, iPod, and computer.  In other countries people interact with each other more. 

I am currently on a short break from Travel.  The thing that comes up for me now is money.  I know that I am abundant and we all are AND I’m wondering what the focus of my life wants to be on next. Is it I just work and work so I can have all the money in order to travel? Or do I just travel and trust the Universe completely.  I find that I don’t believe I was put here on earth to fester, worry, gain, give, lose, win, etc with JUST money.  Money seems to be the topic of conversation and I think money is just a physical extension of energy.  I am feeling like there is a new way of energy coming into play.  I want to invest my energy into passion and doing what I want and creating.  I am not saying money is evil or that I don’t think it is important I am just playing with the importance it has in my life.  I don’t think I came here on earth to just EARN money.   Some of the highest paying jobs are from drugs, prostitutes, cage fighting etc.  What kind of values is money invested in? All together we all have lots of money.  What if we invested in something completely different?  What if we did what we wanted all day long serving “Higher self” in any way we wanted to.  We all know there is a change coming. What do you WANT the change to be? What if we all had the time to rub each other’s backs, cook together, dance, play, create together all the TIME?  What if we all stopped trying to GO somewhere and started BEing here.I FEEL heaven on earth….am I lying?  

The only thing I can blog about is the importance of having positve thoughts!

5-24-10

I want to continue to write blogs AND I want to keep manifesting what I want. I realize the power of my words. I remember a year ago while doing P90X (workout video) with a friend I was complaining and about feeling out of breathe and exhausted. She said how about we make a rule not to complain? And each time I was about to open my mouth I noticed that I was about to complain. And about five minutes later I was doing more reps and breathing effortlessly( from just stopping complaining!).


Being “addicted” to complaining is like being addicted to drugs. I have experienced both addictions before. And just like with drugs when I was 17 and “hit bottom” -five nights ago I hit bottom with complaining. I won’t say what happened because there is no need to give it energy, but there was 3 different similar situations happened within 4 days. The events had an impact on me that let me know there was something that I was thinking about that didn’t serve me. That night after some tears I was going to do it again (complain). I wanted support from friends “what was wrong with my life?” I called a friend and immediately my phone died. THANK THE UNIVERSE it did. I had two more hours until I got to my destination in San Jose, CA. And I realized I had the choice to either feel good or feel not so good. My phone was dead and the thoughts were louder than the music at the time. So I had no choice except to CHOOSE which feeling.

For whatever reason at the time I felt entitled to being a victim of the world. It was like lifting weights to be able to see the light in the situation (only this weight doesn’t come back down). So I used up all the energy behind the events and laughed as hard as I could. I decided that I am going to change (I even pulled over to put this song on by Aaliyah “If at first you don’t succeed, you can dust it off and try again”).


The more I tell my story of abundance the better I feel. I want to feel my way through thoughts and choose the best feeling ones( "the path of the least resistance". I  am doing this exercise in “Complaint Free World” Where the book teaches you to wear a bracelet and every time you complain switch it to the other hand. And if you can be complaint free for 40 days (the number it days of a habit) you can take off bracelet (except if you complain you have to start over from day one). I started this a few days ago and each morning when I remind myself of this bracelet I feel lighter and know my days only getting better.

Legalize ME!

Tonight is my last night here in Seaside, OR and I am feeling myself become sad (but not hardened). I have enjoyed staying with a great friend who has held space for my tears and shared moments of shear laughter. I really like the beautiful beach here and the green wildlife that surrounds. I just know that there is more that I am seeking. I have wanted to massage more people and it has been an issue, but I decided to not focus the lack of clients.

Instead I have taken walks on the beach, telepathically communicated with the seagulls, and watched beautiful fish jump out of the water from the stream that runs in the middle of the town. I realize how much magic can happen in a short amount of time. Although it seemed like I didn’t “do” much. Every moment is a new experience and it doesn’t matter what I do, but who I am. I am not the same person that came here a week ago. I didn’t know what a full service gas station was like, having the sun set at 8:30pm, or what it was like to be in Seaside in this moment in time until now. And I got to know a really inspiring person and learned so much by just sharing space with her.

I feel change is coming again. I know when in the middle of change the most nourishing lessons come forth. I know that what I want is manifested, what I haven’t yet experienced is exposed, and I know that it is definitely unpredictable. And “unpredictable” is why the U.S government outlawed LSD (because the trips and people are “unpredictable”). It is interesting how fear comes up at such vulnerable times. Unpredictable experiences are why we don’t choose change for our lives. Change can feel sad, lonely, abandon, and can also feel exciting, thrilling, opening, and very blissful. I am headed to Portland tomorrow and I don’t know what the Universe has in store, but I know how to stay aligned with what I want.

I am learning what it feels like to be aligned. Being aligned feels like a stable trust that what I am experiencing is for my highest good. That there is a reason I am here and now and to be present with it. I am currently reading The Passion Test and this quote helped me : “You will know you are aligned with your passions when things happen to you which others might find uncomfortable, distasteful, or undesirable, and they don’t even faze you because you are so driven by the fire inside.”

So when I am asked about money, or I am looking at my bank account and I am feeling worry it means I am not aligned. I must feel the not aligned part to get the message. Even if it is just two seconds of stepping out of alignment because then I know what to ask for “More exchanges of Energy please and abundance!” It is like when I was in Massage School we were told in hydrotherapy to start turning the cold water at the end of hot showers (Contrast). What I appreciate now is the awareness of when I am aligned and when I am not.

Before when I would feel upset about not being in my alignment I think I was really resenting the fact that I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t know when, how, or why it started. And even though I may not have all the answers when it happens at least I am aware of it. Being aware is an inner truth. When I was growing up I had “depression.” (One of the many mental diagnoses psychologists assumed I had). And even now when I feel sad my ego jumps to “You must be depressed”.

I think what I was really feeling was the lack of awareness. After all I was continually put on medications to numb, fix, or “smooth” out the problem. So I started to depend on outer things to show me if I was aligned or not. Now I take the power back into my hands.

Sometimes I want to control or manipulate my life to be exactly the way I want it to be. Awareness is what I have, and it is the key to being able to ask for what I want and do what I want then sit back and enjoy the ride. Awareness is how I know where I am on the road. (That doesn't mean I won't go off the road once in a while and create my own paths ;) )

Mothers are as strong as the children who believe in her...Mother Earth...

The importance of individual action to celebrate World Environment Day,and how individual actions when multiplied can make a difference to the planet.
This blog was inspired by a collaboration of Mother's Day, World Environmental Awareness Day blogging contest, and personal experience.



In the middle of a neighborhood in Seaside, Oregon, I am sitting at the edge of a swamp. It’s not the kind that’s made from filth, instead it is the kind of swamp that was created from Life itself. I witness fish coming to the surface on a rhythm and the aroma of sweet flowers flying past. I am witnessing gnats cluster and scatter in patterns I do not yet understand. I think how beautiful it is here in this simple setting of nature. Then I hear two ducks (a mated pair I believe) call out and I see them start to waddle across the road to me. My heart drops as it is beautiful to see them (male and female together).

Then I hear a truck engine rumbling from down the road. I get nervous because the ducks are in the middle of the road, but they hear the truck too and run back across the road. About a minute later the truck passes by. In this moment I realize that nature has adapted to us. Ducks can hear from miles away. The ducks knew which way to run to when they heard the truck coming. We are all born with innate intelligence from the seed that turns into a rose, to a healer with her intuition. We are all made from innate intelligence greater than any machine, pollution, or trash. What I want is for communities to believe in Mother Nature herself. Stop ONLY focusing on all the harm and pollution. The only pollution is what we create in our minds.

We know from the Law of Attraction that if we focus on the parts of our faces with acne in the mirror it only get worse. The trick is to focus on the areas that are clean and soft on our face and then soon our whole face is cleaner and smoother. We learn to say mantras to ourselves and speak kindly to our own soul. Why not to Mother Earth?

What I think is important for individuals to do on World Environmental Day and beyond is to BELIEVE in whatever action you decide to do. Just like a magician knows his/her wand will create magic, we must believe that our picking up trash will change the world, our conserving water will create more, and our use of less electricity will prevent pollution. Together we can make one powerful magic wand to help mother earth. We each have different and new ideas and it is those ideas that create new outlets for helping mother earth. Some people invent new energy resources, some find ways to save, some find ways of cleaning up the earth, and when we share these ideas and believe in them it does wonders.

Next time using water be present and notice how much you use and just imagine all that water you saved doubled its size. Take action; be present, and BELIEVE in what you do. Mother Nature listens to and responds accordingly to what we believe in. The knowledge that all life on Earth is born with- is enough to create miracles.

So how will you help your Mother Earth? World Environment Day is on 5 June 2010. Every day is an opportunity to give back to mother earth. She is waiting. If you choose to plant a tree, eat healthier, use only hand towels, get an electric car make that decision with the best intention in mind. The power behind the magic wand is belief itself. Even imagining a solution to the current oil spill in the gulf will help Mother Earth heal. If you have any ideas, comments, concerns etc please post on my blog or on my Facebook "like" page. I would love to come together to have a discussion.

It takes a thousand times of getting lost to truly understand finding one's way...

5/5/10
I have traveled hundreds of miles without maps, with maps, with directions and it doesn’t seem to matter what I have- I can still get lost. What matters is how I feel. Several weeks ago I was trying to get back to my friend’s house. I remember I got off at the same exit twice and ended up in the same hotel parking lot. I was feeling even more mad when I saw the same people unloading their cars – I thought so much time had passed. The problem was that I kept turning around because I didn’t trust myself. Finally my anger is what pushed me to go in one direction until I saw the correct exit. I noticed that we have emotions because they get us to the next step in life they are tools.

A few days after that I was trying to get out of San Francisco at 5am and I could feel myself changing in emotions right away instead of letting emotions take me over i started saying things i was grateful for in that moment(such as seeing the sunrise over the ocean!). Now, I do appreciate and feel so happy when I do find my way.

It’s like when I feel negative emotions I am in a dark room, but when I light a match( gratitude) I find my way out quicker. Just like a mother notices when her child has to use the restroom I know when I am starting to change the way I experience life. I can predict how things are going to flow from the way I feel.

I remember on one of Abraham- Hicks cds. A parent asks Abraham a question from their kid “Why are Grownups so Grumpy?” And Abraham says “the longer you live the more excuses you find to hold yourself out of your vortex.” And I am finding MORE reasons to be in my vortex. But now that it has been over a month of traveling I find that I can start thinking of reasons not to travel. What keeps us from happiness is ourselves. Anything that “makes us unhappy” is an excuse! One thought that was readily on my mind was abundance. In society I have been taught that abundance is hard working, obedient, orderly, committed, in one place, tied down, married, "rich", 5 houses, 10 cars etc- Things that I haven't been doing much of at least in in the eyes of society...

I have learned through this experience abundance isn’t about pushing against the stream in order to get what I want. I know when I was growing up I thought I had to feel bad to get what I want. For example when I was living with the Templin’s (one of my 7 adoptions) I remember I would ask if I could go play with friends on the weekend. They would reply with a “maybe.” And I would pout the entire week saying “Maybe means you’re going to say 'no". And I would choose to stay in a bad mood thinking it was the only way I was going to be able to play with my friends on the weekend. When I pouted IS when I got what I wanted... And then many of us grow up and think we need to work 8-10 hour days doing things we don’t want to do in order to be happy to fulfill the “American Dream”. In order to have all the “things” we want.

Being abundant is not asking what I can get from the world, but what do I have to GIVE the world. When I remember who I am (love, pure positive energy, existence, consciousness, bliss;)) I remember that I am naturally abundant. We all are naturally made up of eternal love. I have SO much to give, especially massages! When we feel abundant we GIVE and giving is the best feeling in life and that feeling is abundance to me and that is what attracts clients, donations,places to stay, and any other ABUNDANT exchanges of energy.


What I am doing is living the life I want: I am as free as a bird. I get to see, or do, or be where I want when I want. And even though I love my freedom I can still find excuses not to be happy. My purpose is to experience freedom and be happy. Without the normal comforts I am used to at home I find my relationship to Source becoming stronger. Even subtle changes such as experiencing full service gas stations in Oregon are changing my “habits”.

By changing my habits I know that anything is possible and because I believe it- it really happens. For example, I was missing being around animals especially dogs. And when I want something like to see a dog in Tucson I look at my schedule for that day and think well this shop doesn’t allow dogs and Betty Sue doesn’t have a dog so it looks like I won’t see a dog today (even though I want to). And since I am traveling I don’t know or have assumptions to hold me back. I asked the Universe to give me an opportunity to be around a dog. The next day someone was walking down the street with one, my friend introduced me to her boss with a dog in her office, and the tourist shop I went into had a dog who loved to be scratched behind her ears. The Universe answers!

Pooping Is A Spiritual Experience

4/20/10

We are continually wanting and not wanting experiences. An example of not wanting an experience was my first night in San Diego. The first day in San Diego didn’t feel enjoyable. I was sad and tired and had no idea what the heck I was doing there. I drove in my car feeling angry and thirsty for answers of why I was traveling anyway. I ended up parking somewhere and sleeping. The stubborn side of me didn’t even get out of the car to pee. I just stayed in the car addicted to moping/suffering- just like so many of us who refuse to move or want to change we hold onto “but that one experience felt so good I want it BACK”. Well life is ever changing and nothing lasts forever.


I am aware of all the “pleasurable” experiences whether it’s meeting new friends, trying new foods, gasping at the beautiful surroundings, “falling in love” etc when there is a high there is a low. What goes up must come down and when I realized to embrace this, meditate, and be grateful during the process of both it becomes a dance, a fluid movement.


Even yesterday I drove about 13 hours and I was sad for yet another change. I was going with my heart and wanted to just be out of southern California. So when I got to Santa Barbara I made a left hand turn on a one way street and I quickly pulled into gas station knowing I made a mistake ( a wrong turn)- an older woman hit my car with her hand telling me that people like me get tickets and how dangerous I am... At that point I just wanted to burst into tears. Like a guilty child I told her it was an accident. I felt so vulnerable and I just sat there and felt it. Then I realized I had been suppressing sadness all day and it took that moment to be aware of it.
Physical things happen in relation to what’s happening with us non-physically and no matter what there’s no such thing as a “WRONG” turn. When I became aware of that emotion the more I wanted to feel better and I began to change my focus. Yes pleasurable experiences are VALID, but no I don’t have to repeat them every instant and I wouldn’t want to because that is stagnant.


An example of what I do want in life is when I camped alone in Joshua Tree National Park. I went there very early in the morning and parked in the first spot that called my name. I threw down sleeping bag and slept under the hot sun after being exhausted (because I slept almost sitting straight up in car the night before). I had dreams that were so real and out of this world intense it felt like the land had soaked my cells in a hallucinogen. And so I went for a day hike and came back that night. Starting to feel that little rumble of fear because the sun was setting I was just thanking myself for being there. I started gathering wood for a fire. And I began and kept a fire going (for the first time). I eased into the darkness by staring into the flame and just feeling her warmth. By the time the fire went out I was drunk on the relaxation of nature and realized that the fear was the ego trying to hold onto “doing” instead of relaxing. Because one night in nature is just as good as any massage, meditation, or hot bath.
By easing my way into this experience I received deep answers from the stars on what I want in life. The stars told me the places I need to travel to and why I am doing it. If I were to focus on the dark “scary” bushes or every single movement around me (which I did a little of) I would have been stuck in fear and probably wouldn’t have been able to receive the light of the stars. I focused on the light- the thing that felt good in the situation until the whole experience left me in utter amazement.
So why did I name this Pooping is a Spiritual experience? Because I realized how powerful it is to stay present when you poop to let go. I want to open to all the readers and connect with you as if you were sitting across the table from me. And just mentioning all the things I “did” is not going to do it.
I went to Coachella a 100,000 people music festival for 4 days. And I learned about people quickly as it was the most up front and personal experience with so many people- I have ever had. I had gone through yearning, connecting, disconnecting, and all other emotions that happen between people. Thom Yorke played last and one of his songs he said to get up and “get crazy”. There were intense drums and pounding music and I started punching the air. I was feeling it all ( back pain, tired, happy, sad, ugly, beautiful, crazy etc.) I became that “crazy” person people murmur about. My ego started saying that people were thinking I was dumb etc. I was doing what my body wanted shouting and expressing through all my cells in my body. When the song was over I roared like a fearless lion. And a British woman smiled at me and told me that I danced "beautifully". Shocked I stood there re-wiring my brain because my ego just told me that I looked like that craziest person in the world.
So I thought about it and In one blog, one year, one anything does not define me. I could write a bunch of cuss words or write a beautiful line of poetry it DOES NOT MATTER. Because the truth lies in now, now, now. And I am changing as you are and I want to play and be friends so what are we waiting for?