Friday, March 19, 2010

And this is travelling...


3/19/10
My mom died when I was six- and although I never understood why such an absence was so negative I did find myself missing a piece of my heart. When I was 8 I was told I had a heart murmur. And I felt that the missing piece in my heart must have been my mom because it seemed to be so obvious and scarring at least to the world around me. People would tell me “Everyone NEEDS a mom” And “You poor thing…” People seemed fearful of the world for me… I am 20 years old now and the happiest I have ever been. I realize now: that she’s not gone, she is everywhere I go. Because of her death I see her embodying people in my life, I feel her presence in my heart, she is my God, I pray to her, I sing to her, I listen to her images she sends me, She is manifested physically around me all the time. She has taught me that we don’t have to hold onto physical beings so much that death isn’t “bad” and that I am not alone- ever.
So recently as I await the perfect time to begin my travels outside of my home town (Tucson, Az) I have been “travelling” in town. I love Tucson, but everywhere I go is also like running my finger across old scars on my skin. I am not running away- I am being re-born. This time around I know I create my own reality and that I have the empowerment to choose how I view the world. For example, today while driving the person in front of me was blowing their horn and getting upset we were slowing down fast and then I saw the car in front of us pulled over as much as possible waiting for a little girl to cross the street. This is a chain reaction started by the little girl going somewhere. Is there a real reason to spend so much negative energy in these moments mad for others crossing our paths? In the end we are all going somewhere and little girls will still be crossing the street. In fact can’t you see how we are all like that little girl?
So today I went to a Vietnamese restaurant in the center of Tucson. I have been to Vietnamese before, but this time I went alone. When I am alone I realize that life around me is my reflection. I overheard a conversation of a girl at 14 -and it was me 6 years ago. She was telling an older woman how her parents don’t understand her and she smokes pot to rebel and the mentor said she did the same thing and she understands. I didn’t listen much after that, but I was just reminded of how much mentors got me through so much in my life and she is changing hers in so many ways they probably don’t realize. My mentor in this moment was about to be revealed. After I ordered # 7 (my lucky number I mean really lucky!) it was some type of Pho beef soup the Vietnamese woman said she was going to show me how to eat it properly. She sat down in front of me. She was teaching me how to prepare and eat Vietnamese food and I felt like a little girl learning how to eat on my own for the first time- something I did not experience the first time around. I love the adventure of learning, re-birthing, and growing knowing my mom is right beside me! And this is travelling.