Freedom from the inside- An experience told through tears, pain, and realizations.

10/2/11

          I am currently living on a farm in Hawaii.  There are dozens of chickens and ducks.  There are 9 goats total- 2 we currently milk every day...  and then there are the rabbits. 

          For the first time in my life I have experienced animals in a more RAW way.  I have experienced the birth process seeing newborns and raising them: chickens, ducks, rabbits, and goats.  I have helped raise these babies and feed them like I am their mom. 

          Well along with birth comes with death.  Death is something that has been put into my life as bad, painful, evil etc.

          So today while milking a mother goat I saw our community dog tossing what I thought was a mouse– in her jaws and shaking it around.  I went over to her to make sure it was a mouse and not a rabbit.  (The mice here carry diseases and are considered pests on this property and we actually told to kill them – I don’t kill them, but if the dog does I guess I am O.K with it although I have only seen them after they have died.) Well to my surprise I look down and not only is it a rabbit- IT IS STILL ALIVE.  At first I was angry and yelled at the dog to get away.  The newborn baby (born 2 days ago) was squirming around on the ground with a medium sized puncture on the side of his body. Even as I write this I feel sad and my eyes well up with tears- but this is not the point. 

          I held the newborn bunny in my hands and I cried hysterically for a minute.  The goat was still on the milk stand dog sitting feet away and I cried in the middle of the grass.  I thought “He didn’t deserve this” “That stupid dog was just playing around with it killing him slowly”, and my thoughts digressed into deep sadness. 

          And then I thought about hope.  I thought about God and Jesus,
Parmahansa Yogananda, Sri Amma Bhagavan, past experiences, mentors, love.  And then I decided to change. 

          I kept crying and I wrapped the newborn into a towel and had him rest on my lap while I finished milking.  And then when I finished milking I sat with him on the ground and I asked God “WHY?.” And I asked “What is the lesson?”

          The answer came to me “Let go of what I consider freedom”.  And then more information came to me to let go of the word choice freedom.  The word freedom has been manipulated and changed by so many.  “Freedom means free within yourself no matter what circumstances, experiences, people, or things are around you”.  We have been conditioned from the current stance of America that freedom is having the land you want because you want it.  Freedom is white men coming from Europe to take the brown man’s land because he wanted it.  Freedom is the ability to drive a car that guzzles oil.  Freedom is money etc. 

          Well what this new message told me is that true freedom is to embody the feeling inside you and true freedom doesn’t control anyone.  I feel that people think freedom is being able to “talk crap” about your neighbor or that freedom is being able to control others.  I hadn’t even thought about this until this moment. That means that even if the “government” is “controlling” we are not controlled if we are free inside.  Many are against the government and many are for it.  But in the end it doesn’t matter –both are trying to control the other to create an environment that THEY WANT. 

          And I realized the fuss and fight about who did what isn’t worth the effort.  It is not anyone else’s job to make you happy or make you free.  Only you can choose to feel free. 

          Even after this incredible message came to me I am still questioning it and my other side of brain has always thought “Turn the other cheek?” Well growing up it was” Kill or be killed” so which is it? And although I don’t reference movies a lot I give a lot of credit to the original Star Wars Trilogy.  In the third movie when Luke has to fight his father his lesson is to not give into anger and re-act, but instead take the hit and “turn the other cheek”.  The lesson is that the light side of the force is stronger than that of anger and aggression. 

          I felt this same battle within myself today while holding a punctured baby rabbit and looking at the face of the dog who had just violently shook him.  I decided to not yell at the dog- not just sit there and cry, but instead I needed to pray, meditate,  and breathe.  Being in that state, I imagined the Universe's light shining on this baby rabbit and asked the Universe to take care of it.  I sat there for a while breathing and feeling relaxed even though I was holding a resemblance of pure sadness. 

          Having the life I have had -I know to trust God.  God is nothing but love, compassion, kindness, and peace.  If you feel fear you are not feeling God.  If my  thoughts went to fear, I just re-adjusted each breath - only trusting God. 

          I was questioning what I should do.  There was no blood on the outside, and I couldn’t tell what had happened internally.  I thought "do I have someone kill him to make it less 'painful'?" (Just like many people do when they put their animal to sleep etc).  And I decided to just trust God.  Life and death is not my business... it is God’s.  I remembered a chapter in “Autobiography of a Yogi” where Yogananda is asked to heal someone’s loved one in a hospital.  He goes to the hospital and says his prayer and holds space for the dying person. The person ended up passing away, but Yogananda helped them in the direction they were meant to go by trusting God.  I think people have this belief that healing always means “back to life” or “back to wellness”, but healing is just being a channel for God and that person to connect.  It is that connection that determines if they revive or if they  transition. 

          So tonight I prayed, cried, and became a spotlight vessel for God and the newborn rabbit.  I would consider it healing what I did and I decided to put him with his brothers and sisters back in his fuzzy cove and allow him to either revive or transition in there.  

          The end.  

PS: All 3 images came up on google search for "Surrender to God" and all of which are completely relevant in my blog since I mention Star Wars and Yogananda.  

Meet Yoda  and Below on the right is the guru I mention  Parmahansa Yogananda. 

My raw thoughts on Mother's Day

      

  This blog is dedicated to the MOTHERS in my life, to Mother Earth, the Mother in me, and the Mother in you.  What a mother means to me is connection to Divine Feminine, the Universe, and the life between us.  Every year this day means something different to me.  I go between sad and sulking that I haven't had a mother since I was six to celebration of the mother I have become to myself or the motherly figures in my life.  This year it is all gratitude and staying present with what it is I DO have.    

                This is the first time in my life where I am feeling really connected to my food.  Right outside my window is a few chicken coops.  There are gardens, fruit trees, and goats that I milk myself.  It feels so raw to be this closely connected to the food I eat.  I am not used to this feeling at all. 

                For example we harvested tons of tangerines off of the ground.  One bucket was for us to consume and the rest was for animals or compost.  Even the ones we saved had some maggots and we had to throw them out.  With the last one’s left we made fresh tangerine juice.  Part of me was nervous that there could have been a missed maggot or something else inside them.  I hadn’t ever associated the fact that bugs are really ALL AROUND US.  And then when I drank the juice I forgot the fact that there “could” be maggots because the juice was delicious and fresh.  AND because it hasn’t been pasteurized it was HEALTHY.    

                I can’t believe I didn’t realize that bugs probably have been in the juice or food I have consumed before.  The food in stores or restaurants is touched by so many bodies and machines.  In the end I don’t mind a little bug or two when I have been the only one touching my food.  It is only my fear that gets in the way of enjoying anything in life.  I CHECK the fruits now, I CHECK the eggs, and I CHECK the veggies that come out of the garden.  It is so much more EMPOWERING to do these things myself.  It is RAW to live here. 

                The Hawaiian jungle that surrounds us constantly has a reminder to be present.  Each foot step isn’t like the Arizonan desert (which is dry rough and hot).  It now is alive with animals, bugs, tree roots, fallen fruits etc.  The cycle of life, the cycle of water, the cycle of land, and air are HAPPENING here.

                I feel like a mother because despite the things that might seem gross (maggots, tons of animal poop, mold etc), hard work (milking the goats and finding tons of greens for them etc) – I have unconditional love for it all.  Although the cat has fleas I brush her and take her in my arms.  Sometimes the goats are hard to milk because they kick and resist it, but in the end I sing to them and massage them.  To me being a mother is going to expand all the time.  Heart opening is a process that I want to be expanding till I transition.  Every year Mother's day will mean something more to me.  Thanks for witnessing my raw feelings and expansion.  Mahalo.   

I know I am following my heart, but I dont know what my heart is following!

                I am noticing there is a light tugging at my heart lately.  I feel myself being tugged gently in directions that are leading me to what it is I love.  I have been feeling a period of transition- almost an empty feeling about what it is exactly I want to create in my life.  I am slowly changing what it is I am interested in and finding new experiences to explore.  One thing I am exploring more and more is my passion to live in Hawaii.  I love the Spirit of Pele that is there, the culture, the jungle, the fruits, the freedom etc.  (I could go on forever).   I have dreams of swimming underwater in the ocean often.  I have even woken up crying because I felt so connected to some of the animals that live in the ocean. 

                The first time I went snorkeling in Hawaii I felt a whole new passion for life.  I felt humble, new, and blissful.  I know when something “clicks” for me- and this was it.  I put on the snorkel gear as best I could and literally ran into the water.  I was “oooing and ahhhing”.  I was flying above a whole other world that I had no idea about.  Tons of fish, coral, sea urchins were below me living their lives.  I could hear myself breathing in the quiet rhythmic ocean. 

                The next day we arrived at Kealakekua Bay where there are wild dolphins that swim with people.  When we arrived there was a large group of older women who looked like they ritually swam with the dolphins every morning.  I asked them if the dolphins were still out and they said “their probably out, but just keep an eye out for them”. 

                I was anxious to have this experience and I had only been in the ocean a handful of times.  We were swimming fast out into the middle of the bay.  And soon enough from a distance we saw the spinner dolphins spinning and jumping through the air and into the water again.  I was elated and excited. They were swimming towards us and we were swimming towards them.  Before I knew it there were ten dolphins right below my feet swimming together.  I have to say this was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I was singing to them with much appreciation.  I was turning around and then there was one dolphin swimming with a baby dolphin right next to her.  It was a powerful experience and I admired it.  I especially love the mother and baby because a mother was something that I looked for most of my childhood.  And now I just appreciate the “mothers” in my life and appreciate them as if they were my own. 

                So I feel a new calling to dolphins.  One of my passions for most of my life has been horses, but not the usual standard horse riding skills stuff, but actually experiential therapeutic learning for people with horses.  I was first introduced to this when I went to rehab at age 14.  Then in high school I became an intern for that same rehab and several other facilities.  This is how I learned that horses teach people.  I had dreams of horses for years before my actual experiences with them.  Horses are huge animals that are powerful enough to mirror ourselves and yet pure enough to show unconditional love.  I remember I fell in love with them because of how I could not be around them and hide my thoughts or feelings with them.  In fact, the more I was open about what I was feeling the closer my connection was with them (in their own way).

                And now I feel a calling to the underwater world.  I am excited for what I am doing next.  I have it all in my heart and I am still cultivating it and then once I am doing it I will share with everyone my experience. Some of the things I am going to learn I know nothing about- but I am excited to learn.  I feel like a first grader trying to learn how college classes.   All I know is that I got to follow the “tugs” at my heart and when I do I feel re-inspired.  I love that feeling of not knowing what is next.  Like going to my first dance class I remember not being able to keep a single beat, but being so in love with the music and excited to learn.    I’m ready to feel utterly vulnerable and in love with what it is I am doing.  I am learning a whole new way of life and preparing for a move to Hawaii that will change my life.

The BARE Essentials

I remember always wanting my shoes off as a child.  I loved running around ANYWHERE without shoes and it didn’t matter where.  And when I wasn’t supervised by one of the adults who watched me I would take my shoes off. So now I have decided to take my shoes off whenever I FEEL like it.  It is one way I am maintaining my connection to Source while in the city.  I have walked barefoot inside stores, cafes, libraries, even parking lots and sidewalks.  I know it might not seem “clean” or even legal (?), but I am trying it out.  I really enjoy feeling everything from the hot asphalt ground to the cold tile in stores.  This is an experiment to see if I really feel any different from not wearing shoes all the time and I like the FREEDOM more than anything. 

Sure shoes serve their purpose, but more times than not I find myself slipping them off anyways.  Being present in our lives is hard enough with all our life’s distractions- partly because we are disconnected from our Source.  The way I can stay present is feeling everything from the cold hard ground on the pads of my feet to the warm breathe going in my nose. 

I do not worry about stepping on anything deemed as “dangerous”.  I believe that love is greater than fear in every moment.  It is a choice to choose love over fear. And if I do come across a rock or something hard  I believe we are meant to work out the trapped toxins and reflexology points in our feet anyways.  A few rocks never hurt anybody…that badly;) 

I met an older man once telling me of how he is now scared to go into the wilderness because he fears poison ivy rashes.  He said he felt sad about this because he used to go in the same woods years ago. I'm not advocating the use of LSD, but he said back in the 60’s when his friends and him took LSD he would go into the woods and explore for days.  He said that the incredible thing was that they would go in the wilderness and not get one scratch, bug bite, or any poison ivy rashes.  And now when he tries to go he gets poison ivy rashes.  I believe when we fear something we attract it.  In spiritual books I have read that you don’t need LSD to become aware of these high states of consciousness.  Simply meditating, conscious breathing, and practicing being present can help raise your awareness.  I believe that when in a present state there is a lack of fear that doesn’t attract things such as poison ivy. 

I walked on a hike in the desert barefoot recently.  That is a true test of presence.  Each foot step is important and precise yet I want to walk a moderate speed that will actually take me somewhere.  With a little practice and a couple times of stubbing my toes I was even able to run on the dirt which felt really good.  I had joyous memories flood my memory of being a child and running on sand.  There is a certain type of connection when you can really feel every part of your foot touching the ground.  To me being barefoot is a blessing and I really do adore the FEELING.  

Even if no one else enjoys walking barefoot I hope I at least inspire you to follow the inner child in you.  May you feel and allow your inner child to play! Namaste!

But wait I have to pee! -A story on determination

BTW- The photo was taken by a cactus :)

I am not in college or any writing classes right now, but I thought I would try an experiment of writing about a hike- A detailed writing on just an experience.  I wish to bring the readers here with me as If I was hiking with them.  I don’t really know what my intention is other than connecting to others, opening my heart and share an experience nor good nor bad.  I feel like the more we open up to each other the more likely we will be a stronger community, a bigger force of compassion, understanding, caring, and forgiveness we have for each other as a consciousness(as a whole).  Sometimes I think I need to proof we are all connected but I thought about how someone can describe an experience and you can FEEL it as if you were there.

                  Another experience of proof that we are connected was at funeral I went to on Sunday and although I never knew the man who died- I could FEEL everyone’s love for him and grief of a sudden loss.  No one was touching me forcing me to feel these deep feelings and I even closed my eyes in the middle of one man’s speech about his best friend and I could feel this deep wrenching in my chest which felt like love and pain at the same time If I wasn’t connected to this man at all how would I be able to relate so easily?

Sometimes we don’t feel like we are all connected because there isn’t enough PHYSICAL PROOF.   I know we are all connected because the blind still love, the deaf still love, and we FEEL each other all the time without touching each other.  We can even watch movies filmed ten years ago in a location thousands of miles away and we still feel the sadness, fear, or humor of the characters in a movie. 

                So here I am on some trail I hiked once before, in the middle of the desert with my journal.  As I get on the trail I realize others carry backpacks, hiking sticks, sunscreen, and maybe even something as thoughtful as WATER J.  Not me though noooo I just bring my journal.  I make jokes to myself about it because I feel silly.  Back in the day when I was a lot younger I was so WORRIED about what others thought of me if I had to sharpen my pencil in class I wouldn’t even get up and do it.  And now I feel radical that I plan on going on a couple hour hike and all I bring is a journal.

  So I start walking on this trail and I already have thoughts of turning back.  I realize I had to pee and I decide that I will use having to pee as a goal.  I mean I love to exercise, but resistance to moving my body sometimes can be a pain in the you know what J I have excuses like “But wait I can’t go hiking I have to pee” and there is no restroom here so I have to drive back to the city.  So I changed my thought into” I will pee when I get high enough on the trail that there aren’t as many people around to see” I will use it as a tool to move my body for ten minutes.  After ten minutes I could hike the rest of the day.  The first ten minutes is getting rid of the resistance and the rest is easy.  

So I made a goal out of having to pee.    I decided I would hold my pee for a little while and as a reward of starting the hike.  I thought about other dire times in life where you might have to pee, but you would have to hold it in order to accomplish something.  Like what if I was a bride in a wedding? In the middle of the wedding during the vows what if I had to pee? I would have to hold it.  Or what about giving birth? I thought about that, but then I guessed that it would probably come out without control.   So I start running on this trail because the further I go then I would be able to pee (or so this was my thinking).  So then I run and I get stuck behind this couple.  I am running behind this woman and she steps over the side to let me pass.  Then this is when things got a little funny.  I am stuck behind her husband.  He sees my shadow behind him and assumes I am his wife no big deal… right? Well then he starts telling me how good this hike feels.   

And all I am thinking please don’t tell me anything that is a (TMI) moment.  He was starting to bring up memories and I kind of spaced out and I just blurted out shyly “Um…excuse me.”  And he turned and let me pass.  He was starting to go into details of their relationship and who knows what kind of details he was about to give. 

  I definitely ran more as I was glad to get back to personal space and not being assumed as someone’s 50 year old wifeJ.( I do appreciate older couples I just don’t like feeling assumed as one)  Then I pass two women who talked about “Tuck-Son” (their way of saying Tucson.) Must be newbie’s I thought as I ran past.  They were discussing how they had to get used to the beauty of this place.  “It is a different type of beauty” one said.  “Something you have to get used to”.  

So I kept on jogging now trying to hold my pee for a bit longer and then I get stuck running behind a couple who has a kid leading in the front.  The husband definitely wore a heavy amount of strong cologne.  And my nose immediately got stuffy and I thought how much I prefer regular body odor than this chemical spray.  But don’t tell my boyfriend because I do love a clean manJ, but over cheap cologne I would pick Body odor any day.  I kept turning my head, but the lingering smell of cologne hangs onto the air for dear life filling up my nose.  Then I realize I am being too sensitive and I just take small breaths which was hard to do when feeling out of breathe in the first place. 

So their 7 year old son starts talking.  The mom and dad became quiet knowing I’m walking behind them.  And their son starts asking “Who cuts the cheese and who cuts the cheese balls?”  “Mom do you cut the cheese balls?”

Now I’m already trying to hold my breath and now I was trying to hold in laughter so I kind of just busted out laughing.  I really didn’t want to embarrass them, but I thought it was so cute how when we feel comfortable with someone we just ask them our random thoughts on our mind. 

I start laughing and I try not to embarrass them I thought the situation was funny especially because the parents were kind of embarrassed and didn’t answer their son.  So I finally got to pass them.  I ran for a bit more and found a hill I thought I could climb up on and hide in order to pee.  So I get up there and guess what? MORE PEOPLE higher than me.  And I just decide to have a moment of “throwing up my hands in the air and say ‘screw it’” as one of my best friends Brian would say.  So I popped a squat and finally went pee.  Afterward I started stretching on a slanted rock and writing my experience down.  After journaling this experience I realize my left big toe feels damp because I peed on my own Big toe!  Which normally wouldn’t be so bad, but I had my Vibram toe shoes on which feel like soggy socks when their wet.  After all I do know people who believe that Urine is a good cleanser.  And perhaps my big toe needed to be cleansed here in the middle of the desert. 

Well, I made the goal of hiking/running for 3 hours.  And it was made possible by my determination and most of all my pee.  It is not recommended to hold your pee- it worked for me once but out of urgency I went on myself.  Most of all, pushing past resistance and focusing on good/funny things in the moment helped me climb the trails.  And may we all “climb the trails” of our life doing the same thing.   

Love,

Amy