Legalize ME!

Tonight is my last night here in Seaside, OR and I am feeling myself become sad (but not hardened). I have enjoyed staying with a great friend who has held space for my tears and shared moments of shear laughter. I really like the beautiful beach here and the green wildlife that surrounds. I just know that there is more that I am seeking. I have wanted to massage more people and it has been an issue, but I decided to not focus the lack of clients.

Instead I have taken walks on the beach, telepathically communicated with the seagulls, and watched beautiful fish jump out of the water from the stream that runs in the middle of the town. I realize how much magic can happen in a short amount of time. Although it seemed like I didn’t “do” much. Every moment is a new experience and it doesn’t matter what I do, but who I am. I am not the same person that came here a week ago. I didn’t know what a full service gas station was like, having the sun set at 8:30pm, or what it was like to be in Seaside in this moment in time until now. And I got to know a really inspiring person and learned so much by just sharing space with her.

I feel change is coming again. I know when in the middle of change the most nourishing lessons come forth. I know that what I want is manifested, what I haven’t yet experienced is exposed, and I know that it is definitely unpredictable. And “unpredictable” is why the U.S government outlawed LSD (because the trips and people are “unpredictable”). It is interesting how fear comes up at such vulnerable times. Unpredictable experiences are why we don’t choose change for our lives. Change can feel sad, lonely, abandon, and can also feel exciting, thrilling, opening, and very blissful. I am headed to Portland tomorrow and I don’t know what the Universe has in store, but I know how to stay aligned with what I want.

I am learning what it feels like to be aligned. Being aligned feels like a stable trust that what I am experiencing is for my highest good. That there is a reason I am here and now and to be present with it. I am currently reading The Passion Test and this quote helped me : “You will know you are aligned with your passions when things happen to you which others might find uncomfortable, distasteful, or undesirable, and they don’t even faze you because you are so driven by the fire inside.”

So when I am asked about money, or I am looking at my bank account and I am feeling worry it means I am not aligned. I must feel the not aligned part to get the message. Even if it is just two seconds of stepping out of alignment because then I know what to ask for “More exchanges of Energy please and abundance!” It is like when I was in Massage School we were told in hydrotherapy to start turning the cold water at the end of hot showers (Contrast). What I appreciate now is the awareness of when I am aligned and when I am not.

Before when I would feel upset about not being in my alignment I think I was really resenting the fact that I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t know when, how, or why it started. And even though I may not have all the answers when it happens at least I am aware of it. Being aware is an inner truth. When I was growing up I had “depression.” (One of the many mental diagnoses psychologists assumed I had). And even now when I feel sad my ego jumps to “You must be depressed”.

I think what I was really feeling was the lack of awareness. After all I was continually put on medications to numb, fix, or “smooth” out the problem. So I started to depend on outer things to show me if I was aligned or not. Now I take the power back into my hands.

Sometimes I want to control or manipulate my life to be exactly the way I want it to be. Awareness is what I have, and it is the key to being able to ask for what I want and do what I want then sit back and enjoy the ride. Awareness is how I know where I am on the road. (That doesn't mean I won't go off the road once in a while and create my own paths ;) )